Borisbreath

We've agreed a rough story line. Boris Rump, to the delight of the crazed citizenry, has taken over Universal Dream Network. Three groups - Snakes, Norwegians and Drag Queens - despair of this folly. Something has to be done about Boris Rump.

Anyone want to be Boris Rump?

Boris Rump

From now on, only people like us get jobs. Enemies of the people will have no say. You lot are all sacked. The people have decided. No one can stop us now.

Lord Snake

The rebels meet at a forest hideout in The Land Where No One Lives:

Lord Snake: Boris Rump is a power-mad creep who is wrong about everything. If he hunts us down and so much as breathes on us, we die. We've got to hide in the forest until we come up with a plan of what to do.

Cue for someone to come up with a plan.

DeSpencers Ghost

Anyone can take part. No one knows where it's going. Create a character. Be on Boris Rump's side. Be against him. Jump right in. (If you want. Not compulsory.)

Boris Rump

The next step is to hunt down the nay sayers, breathe on them till they give up, then ship them off to the Rejected Realms. The people would prefer them dead, so maybe. Off to the forest we go with sniffer dogs.

Drag Queen

Quick! Protect yourselves from Boris breath. Put on a face mask now! Choose one to match your skin tone; we have to maintain standards, my darlings. I am spraying Eau Sauvage Extrême everywhere in the forest to confuse the sniffer dogs. Stay calm, but don't breathe in any Boris breath.

Boris Rump

Simplify.. Zero in on the one lovely wearing something different, like Versace Eros, and the scent trick fails. Play Italian opera at full volume. See, they can't help but sing along to show how cultured they are. Ha ha.. Closing in, now.. Be prepared to launch killer breaths..

Lord Snake

Lord Snake: This plan of what to do is taking time. We go deeper into the woods, the hounds sniffing us out, but Boris starts to wheeze, short of breath, much too strenuous for him all this activity.

Boris Rump

The "opposition" is useless. We can see the whites of their scardey-cat eyes. Launch killer breaths !!!

Drag Queen

HELP. I thought B. Rump was supposed to be short of breath?! Norwegian, where are you!? We discussed these tactics but it has to be you. Arrgghh that breath, no I can't stand it, I'm failing fast.... *drops to ground melodramatically*

Boris Rump

Hooray !!! Ship him/her off to Jamaica.. I mean Bigtopia. That goes for all traitors.

Drag Queen

*looks around in bewilderment*. Where am I? Jamaica? Bigtopia? But I've lived in Universal Dream Network all my life. Help, help, help, help, help! Who is going to do something about this madness? Help!

Three Eyed Norwegian

Whoa.. No more deportations.. Smite the sniffer dogs *smite smite smite*.. Animal cruelty in this story, you bet!

Guided by the great Lord Myself, True Believers stand in delerious prayer, defying Borisbreath, flailing arms, and rolling eyes like loonies. Boris Rump rules everywhere but this forest. His breath hangs in the still air.

Boris Rump

The people don't like you smiting innocent sniffer dogs. It will be your downfall. You don't have a clue, do you? You can't pray my breath away forever.

Lord Snake

Lord Snake: Whatever the reason, your killer breath is coming up short. We're going nowhere, Rump.

Charles Edward

Is there a way to overcome stalemate?

Stench of Youth

Script doctor time.. Norwegian is on the wrong side. Also, there's no rush is there?

Boris Rump

I say, Norwegian old chap, can I offer you a peerage?

Three Eyed Norwegian

True Believers are immune to Borisbreath, sniffer dogs and peerages. We don't like snakes, but they are in our forest and we will protect them. Drag queens may seem silly but I have a son who mimes to Diana Ross stranded in Bigtopia. Who is to blame for that? Boris Rump. We stand before Borisbreathers, defiant in delirious prayer, flailing our arms and rolling our eyes like loonies. We are right and you are wrong, Rump. End of discussion.

Boris Rump

i might have a child or six out there. I don't think one's a drag queen, but who knows?

Drag Queen

Whoa the horses !!! If Norwegian is my daddy, that means I am immune to Borisbreath too.

Here I am stranded in Bigtopia due to Rump's Hostile Environment policy. No planes are flying. How to get back ???

DeSpencers Ghost

Regional Poll • What happens next in our story? (1 day)

The story has unfolded for the past several days on the regional message board. Options:

1. Boris Rump conquers all - Opponents flee to Bigtopia

2. Opponents engineer a remarkable comeback - Rump in retreat

3. Keep status quo, pause story

DeSpencers Ghost

The poll on what next to do in the story wasn't conclusive; a dead heat between 1) pausing the story whilst maintaining the status quo, and 2) allowing for a remarkable comeback by the rebels.

Drag Queen

I am the son of the Great Lord Olaf. As such I should be immune to Boris Breath, but what if I've inherited Mum's genes in the matter? I ponder this from a refugee camp in Bigtopia wondering how to get back to Universal Dream Network.

Boris Rump

Sadly for the drag queen son of the Great Lord Olaf, flights to and from Bigtopia have been suspended for the foreseeable future. Sorry.

Three Eyed Norwegian

When we flail our arms and roll our eyes like loonies, good people join in and bad people smirk to disguise their fear. Rump pretends amusement, Borisbreathers call us traitors, but he and they retreat a way and do not enter the forest.

Lord Snake

Lord Snake: Angry up your venom, boys and girls. Fangs at the ready.

The Norwegians move foreward, doing their weird thing. The Borisbreathers move back again. Then they see us - snakes. They start screaming 'snakes', and we slither over their toes and up their legs. 'Help Mr Rump, do something', they screech, but Mr Rump is running away as fast as his fat legs can go.

Boris Rump

Not wishing to whip up a storm against you Johnny Foreigners, but the people naturally fear and despise venemous snakes and alien religious folk, whereas they love, adore and worship me. Fester in your forest awhile, but you are dead snakes slithering.

Drag Queen

Interview by BBC (Bigtopian Broadcasting Corporation) with Drag Queen

BBC: As the son of Great Lord Olaf ... pretty dress, by the way ...

DRAG QUEEN: Thank you, I made it myself. It's for my show at the Top & Bottom Club.

BBC: Lovely ... Your father and Lord Snake have rebelled against the legitinate government of Boris Rump and are hiding in the forest. You have been deported here for impeding dogs in their duty to sniff. Pretty tawdry stuff, young woman!

DQ: 'Young man'. I'm just wearing my work gear to plug my show at the Top & Bottom ... That's every night except Monday. Cash at the door ...

BBC: Sounds like fun, but back to the question of tawdry international foreignness. Borisbreathers are being bitten by venomous snakes, how do you justify that?

DQ: That is in retaliation for the poison words in every breath of Boris and his Breathers.

BBC: And the weird, scary praying? The people don't like that one bit. You can't claim that's just Norwegianphobia!

DQ: Got me there! I was a bit of a Norwegianphobe myself till I found out I was the son of their God. Flailing your arms and rolling your eyes like loonies is actually quite good exercise. You should try it.

BBC: I don't think so, dear. Do you have any words for the fugatives in the woods? And indeed for Boris Rump?

DQ: Stop breathing Boriswords and the snakes won't bite. Also, please somebody, get me home.

Boris Rump

We do not negotiate with terrorists, be they poisons snakes that slither up one's inside leg, be they foreign Norwegians with their disgusting foreignness. Drag queens can be amusing and popular, as long as they don't rile the sniffer dogs or obstruct the will of the people.

Come back, Drag Queen. Get the rabble to give themselves up and I'll give you a peerage. If you fail we will burn the forest to the ground and deliver fried snake to every patriot in the land. It's up to you.

Lord Snake

Lord Snake: The drag queen will not betray us. Attack is the best form of defence. Get ready to attack!

Drag Queen

Report from the Front between Borisbreathers and Rebel Forces at the edge of the forest

Drag Queen appears to applause from both sides.

DQ: Snakes, hold your venom. Borisbreathers, hold your venom. Let us come together and be as one ...

*jeers from some Breathers*

Other Breathers: Shhh, let him talk.

DQ: We must heal the divisions by listening, really listening, one to the other ...

*A shot rings out and Drag Queen falls to the ground.*

Militant Breathers: Attack!!

Lord Snake

Lord Snake: They can't see us on the forest floor. They don't know we have them surrounded. We don't shout about it. We do it. We attack. We slither over their toes and up their legs. They scream, oh how they scream..

Three Eyed Norwegian

Are they all dead, the militant Breathers? We flail our arms and roll our eyes like loonies, those of us still alive that is. The attacking gammon die in agony from snake bite, from fear.. Rump has run away. The good Breathers are on their knees before me. My son has not died in vain. We have won.

Drag Queen

"Three Eyed Norwegian wrote:
My son has not died in vain."

This is alarming. Does that mean I am supposed to be dead?

Boris Rump

Obviously, Drag Queen is not dead, but merely in a serious, but rapidly improving condition in hospital. What does appear to be true, as the result of a 2-1 editorial conference vote, is that all my followers have either 1) died, or 2) been converted to Norwegianism. This is barely believable, but what can I do?

However, 1) I am the legally elected leader, and 2) I was born to rule. As a result, I will seek to form an emergency coalition government.

Stench of Youth

STORY: They all lived and died happily ever after.

Boris Rump

I have no intention of dying, thank you very much. If Netflix commission our story for a second series, I intend to be very much alive.