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The Mad Surfer - April 2018

April 2018

All the news that fits
Weather: Sunny
Air temp: perfect
Water temp: perfect
Waves: Epic!

Welcome, Readers, to the April Edition of The Mad Surfer. Here’s where Islanders in the know find all the news that’s already become local gossip. Everyone’s talking about it, but we put it all together in one convenient place, because XKIslanders are busy people.
A Mediamorphosis

Veteran Editor and Enthusiastic Newcomer come together to renovate Fifth Estate History in the making was the best way to describe the events of this Major Update. Long time Islander Aersoldorf , TITO Knight, the decorated poet and Editor of our landmark hilarity, The Mad Islander, publicly passed on the baton to the editor of XKI's new humor barrage, Jabberwocky. The Mad Surfer write their pilot article just this month, and received much positive response from the region. Aersoldorf, after a bit of discussion about the news scene in 10000 Islands and Taco Island, pledged "I’m willing to give you The Mad Islander, complete with a sub-forum and around 300k in the bank." This alone caused much furor among the staff writers of the newspaper, some claiming it was "the deal of a century". Aerso has also promised to work with TMS
"I should have Joined TMI back when you offered me to Aerso," lamented editor of The Islands Gazette, Flemingisa. Flemingisa, newly anointed TITO Knight, still runs their own independent Gazette, which was started in 2015. Today, they witnessed this deal which shook the news world from its very foundations. While the update brought much else, this particular interaction paves the path to setting up a new media corporation on the ruins (and strong foundation) of the once proud TMI. The renovations and rebuilding should begin shortly, so we wait with baited breath to see where it goes. And as we always say in TMS: Stay tuned for more!

Election results

As the reign of Dominion of Compassion reached its natural conclusion, the election for the succeeding Delegate was both hotly contested, and an up and down race. In the end Alkasia triumphed over Louisistan , 28 votes to 24. Louisistan was, however, customarily gracious in congratulating his worthy opponent. He only circuitously hinted at collusion and meddling by foreign powers, never once directly accusing anyone. Alkasia refused the temptation to sneer at his foe, instead giving him a hearty thump on the back, muttering, “Better luck next time.”
In the race for the Senate seat in @lyonesse East, Flemingisa was a clear cut victor over Finswedeway , 32-18. Flemingisa adds this distinction to his title as Dean of XKI University, making for an impressive resume. When we finally cornered Finsedeway, inspecting hanging chads, this conversation took place: greetings! As a reporter for The Mad Surfer, I have a couple of questions for you? *thrusts microphone unceremoniously into your face* You just lost the election for Senator for Lyonesse West. How do you feel about the manner in which your opponent conducted his campaign? Any comment on the notion that Flemingisa managed to stuff the ballot boxes by importing illegal aliens under false IDs in order to assure his victory? Is there any truth to the rumor that you lost due to the intervention of foreign goverments? And, finally, do you have any losing final comments for your worthy opponent? Thanks you, Finswedeway; the public appreciates your candor.

Young Finswedway replied just as we were headed out the door for some macking waves going to press: I think it was a completely unfair race. I would know, I cheated and I still lost! I believe that Russia may have ties to Russia. Finally, I'd like to thank the academy for the overwhelming student debt I am in. Thank you and good night.

Last but far from least, the Senate election for Himes West was a runaway contest with Siuts tallying 44 votes, lacking only three abstentions to keep it from being unanimous. His opponent could not be reached for comment; rumor has it he is visiting Jimmy Hoffa.
In addition to winning the Himes West Senate seat, Siuts also appointed a Deputy Senator, the relative newcomer Jabberwocky . TMS reporters unceremoniously thrust a microphone in Jabber’s face as he was carrying his surfboard to the beach, and asked him this: You’ve been appointed DS by Siuts, who is a member of TIP, while you represent MSPP. Does that not strike you as a conflict of interest? To which Jabber replied: “Not in the least. I see this as an opportunity to spy on TIP build a spirit of cooperation between our parties and perhaps even breach their security systems accomplish more together than we could separately.”After providing a false ID in order to get into Senator Siuts’ office, we asked him the same question, and received this reply: No, on the contrary! Having management comprised of people from multiple parties ensures all opinions of all islanders are heard. XKI Casino aims to please all islanders, after all. Diversity works! Besides, my worthy assistant has learned to make a good cappuccino. The similarity of responses suggests a coordinated effort, doubtless practiced, that smacks of collusion. Our reporters will continue to investigate.

In addition to these races, there is also a newly appointed Foreign Affairs Secretary, The peninsular. Our reporter on the scene had a chance to question the peninsular regarding his new duties:
A reporter for The Mad Surfer has a question for the peninsular: do you feel that being "only an advisor" somehow limits your efficacy in your position? Would you like to be granted a greater scope of power? And could a poor reporter possibly cadge a free drink? His response: I find simply that being "only an advisor" leads to certain processes being longer than they should, for example organization within the emissary program. While FAS should not be an office with actual executive powers when it comes to decision making on a political level, I think that the position of FAS should be holding formal powers (so organizing the emissary program and having decision powers for minor things) as to make the entire Foreign Affairs department of politics function more efficiently. Apart from that, it is mostly up to the governing Delegate to decide what powers he delegates to the FAS. I think the FAS has more of a "heads-up"/thinker role, so alerting the Delegate and Co9 when something notable happened, providing them with dossiers, working out concepts. Our staff finds this to be an uncommonly lucid response from a politician. How are we supposed to find a scandal in this? Outrageous! While TMS does occasionally like to use a genuine quote to lend ourselves verisimilitude, we prefer something more salacious.

The Mad Surfer Interview: The Fight for Might
by TMS Reporter Kozmix

KOZMIX: Hello to the both of you and welcome to a short interview that you had no idea you signed up for! I'm Kozmix, investigative journalist from The Mad Surfer and if you would be so kind as to send a few of my, nay our, questions about the Delegacy, your experience, and thoughts in general, that would be great. Disclaimer: All TMS interviews are in "good fun", which is legalese for me taking jabs at whatever you say and you swallowing your anger because you're on camera! We do not intend to harm the reputation, work or any past experience of the people we interview, and again, it is all in good fun. Thank you in advance!

Louisistan (very very high): Obviously, this election was rigged. TIP is the majority party and they used this position to systematically oppress our god-given rights as the opposition..... Oh Sorry, you didn't ask a question yet? (after a brief pause and looking around suspiciously, then emphatically) But let me just say, that quite obviously TIP officials drove busses full of illegal voters from The South Pacific and The Rejected Realms into 10ki. Everybody saw it. I would have won the popular vote if it hadn't been for those millions of illegal voters. Oh, sorry, still no question?

Kozmix (concerned): I understand... Of course. You've answered my first question. Alkasia, any comment on these.... Allegations? And as for Louisistan, hese are rather serious allegations. Are you sure you want to accuse the Rejected Realms of illegally crossing the border to give Alkasia a..... Two vote lead? Also, how were you not prepared for this?

Louisistan (suspiciously stroking a non-existent beard): Yes, they put in just enough effort to beat me. (suddenly almost murderously excited) This is typical mainstream media fake news. The failing Mad Surfer has colluded with crooked Alkasia to smear my good name. DEPLORABLE! #MA10kiGA

Kozmix (sarcastically): While we wait for Alkasia's response, we continue talking to the conundrum of a candidate, the Space Trout, the Big Lizard and the Drunk Liver of Louisistan. So Louis, while your allegations of our involvement is rather crooked, let us talk about you, shall we? Has this election taken a toll on you?

Alkasia (with no regard for order): Oh pu-leeze. My smear campaigns are much better orchestrated than this. And they usually involve physical smearing of some sort. As for the illegal voters, I will neither confirm nor deny that defender subversives infiltrated the region to impose their wicked "defender imperialism" on the good sovereign region of XKI.
Kozmix (frustrated): Of course. We have therefore reached an impasse with respect to that line of argument.... Which I want to talk of next. What glass ceilings, brick walls and gaping pits lie in your path as Delegate-Elect, Alkasia? And how do you plan on crossing them? Louisistan, I ask you, for a Delegate who might have won through the biggest scandal in XKI history, how do you plan on letting the World know about them?

Alkasia (very proudly): Being a white male, I doubt there will be many glass ceilings for me to break. Not breaking any new ground there. Brick walls and gaping pits provide a different challenge here, however. Walls are quite solid and can't be broken through with bare hands. I would most likely have to climb over it, or have the wall demolished posthaste. Gaping pits could either be filled in or repurposed as traps for my enemies. This will have to be discussed with the underground cabal. If all that fails, I'm sure the bribes TIP is famous for will go a long way. Kozmix (furiously scribbling): I understand.... And what do you have planned with respect to securing our borders?

Louisistan (somehow both drunk and high now): The Cosmopolitan Defender Elite Conspiracy and mainstream media such as the failing Mad Surfer will bury anything I try to make publish. I will have to move to more respected media, such as Tanzr. Crooked Alkasia should be imprisoned. Lock him up! Lock him up! Lock him up!

(Alkasia looks at him with disgust) Alkasia (such sharp words, they cut his own throat): Yes! Lock me up! Lock me up in the Delegate's office! Oh, whatever shall I do? (calmly ignoring Louisistan) Since we are just an absurd amount of islands clustered in an archipelago, the border will have to be secured by building a giant dome around the entire thing. To keep costs down, we will build it entirely out of plastic.

Louisistan (biting): Cormac will be supplying the plastic... Alkasia (couldn't resist tons of sarcastic comments): Why, yes, of course! Cormac is only the most trustworthy to handle this job. He surely won't change his mind and build the dome over Osiris instead. If there's one thing to know about Cormac, it's that he's consistent. There's no way this could backfire! Kozmix (very confused, changing topic): Aren't the Cosmopolitan Defender Elite Conspirators a group you funded? Your publications raged Islands, and the scars of that media agenda still haunt our plastic domes of safety..... As for Tanzr, wasn't the chief editor found to be guilty of fraud? Louisistan, what is the nature of your work here onwards? What plans do you have for the region? Alkasia, what is your stance on The 3553 Incident?

Louisistan: Well that's neither here nor there. Alkasia: My stance is that I prefer 1337 and will take my tea with scones. Kozmix: Alright then good sirs. I shall be taking your closing statements now. Thank you for a roller coaster of an interview. You can hope to see this in the next edition of The Mad Surfer!
*crickets chirping*

Virtually the entire civilized world knows about the good work done by TITO, defending hapless regions against raiders. Yet another member of TITO has distinguished himself. Hahiha / USSR /USSR was very recently promoted to TITO Knight Marshall Commander, said award having been given for his 250th battlestar. You are an inspiration to the less experienced troops and a shining example. Congratulations Hahiha! However, the noble Hahiha is not alone in his accomplishments. He was recently joined by four other notables in the hallowed ranks of TITO
knighthood: Flemingisa , Siuts , @kozmix , and Aschente have all added stars to the TITO constellation. Shine on, you crazy diamonds! Please note that all of these members have glorious statues to accompany the honor.

SPAMMER OF THE MONTH: Hakketomat . We at TMS don’t know if there are any official stats regarding spamming (and who can be bothered with research when surf’s up?), but Hakketomat is virtually ubiquitous on the forums. Thanks, Hakke, for setting such a sterling example!

The Mad Surfer
Editor: Jabberwocky
Staff Writers: Jabberwocky, Kozmix