by Max Barry

Latest Forum Topics


The Garden of Earthly Delights of
Left-Leaning College State

Overview Factbook Dispatches Policies People Government Economy Rank Trend Cards


The Mad Surfer - July 2018 Edition

July 2018

This is what really happened, reported by a free press to a free people. It is the raw material of history; it is the story of our own times.”
Henry Steel Commager

Weather: Sunny
Air temp: perfect
Water temp: perfect
Waves: Macking!

Due to a southern swell mechanical difficulties with an immaculate curl a printing press, TMS has been published a little later than usual. In addition, our valiant writers are also otherwise occupied as Senators; around the first of the month Senators have a lot of Senating to do, with lots of really tedious critically important reports to finish and primping and preening speeches to give and banquets to attend…it’s really a wonder we can get them to sit down and write anything! In any event, we are confident you will find this issue worth the wait.

The three TITO Knights who were recently promoted officially received their awards in a heavily attended ceremony held at TITO Headquarters. The madding crowds assembled before that statue of Sir Anime Daisuki, the 18th Knight of TITO. The first to receive a medal was one known affectionately as Paper Boat Captain, the humble but nevertheless illustrious Sir Sorya , who, in addition to having been a TITO member for two years, and being a recipient of The Sword of TITO, is also currently a Tactical Officer. He was awarded his 100th TITO Battlestar, as well as the Knight Commander Medal.
Next in line was Sir Shy Guy , a TITO member for four years, who also received a Knight Commander Medal. He was followed by Sir Escanaba , a dedicated recruiter who already touts several other TITO Medals as well as the coveted Heart of the Islands and more than 500 Battlestars, which certainly merits its own constellation. He received the Knight Galaxy Commander Medal. Those who wish to admire the collection of statues and medals are directed to TITO Headquarters to peruse at your leisure.
The throngs that gathered in front of the statue of Ad Infinitum observed yet another ceremony, this one to honor a longtime stalwart of these parts, @Hakketomat. Hakke’s accomplishments are so varied and diverse that it is all we can do just to use an excerpt from the ceremonial speech delivered by Aersoldorf, to wit:
Today also marks the 3 year anniversary of Hakketomat joining the ranks of TITO. During his time with us he has amassed a grand total of 155 Battle Stars. In addition to that, he has also been awarded the Knight's Medal, Knight Commander Medal, The Woonsocket Bronze Star, the Lazarus Liberation Medal, the Lone Wolves United Campaign Medal, the TITO 2500th Mission Medal, the Paradoxia Liberation Medal, the TITO Quick Response Force Combat Pin, and the TITO Steadfast Badge. He has also earned 1 Coast Watcher Eagle and 1 TITO Refound Pin.

These achievements reflect the tremendous amount of time and energy that Hakketomat has dedicated to our worthy cause, but the say nothing of the tremendous amount of work that he does behind closed doors. Maintaining the War Records for each and every one of us, maintaining Battle Star Rankings and keeping the list of missions up to date requires an immense amount of work and we are very fortunate to have someone so willing to devote so much of their free time.

So, now, without further ado, it is my sincere honor and pleasure to grant this award to our newest Knight Battalion Commander.

Needless to say, even this award, tallied together with all the rest, fail to give Hakke his proper due. And, lest we fail to mention it, June 23 was TITO Knights Day, whereupon XKI observes and commemorates the sacrifices made by our valiant TITO Knights. We salute you! o7

Investors in XKI were indeed all shook up last month. The Mortimer Report indicates that an 8.8 earthquake had a deleterious effect on the stock market. The damage to roads had a direct impact on the trucking industry, which effects trade on all levels. Earthquake detection systems, which were apparently not working due to testing procedures, did little or nothing to alleviate the disaster. TMS has strong views regarding the efficacy of the detection systems (EDS), which even in the best of circumstances only provide the merest of warnings to an alarmed populace, but that’s another story. Overall, the market took a 2% hit, but the Regional Reserve seems confident that the decline is only temporary, and the market is expected to rebound. As always, investors are encouraged to continue investing.
First Bank of 10000 Islands
In related news, and this strikes a dissonant chord, the First Bank of 10000 Islands has officially closed. We have this terse statement from the Regional Reserve to explain:
First Bank of 10000 Islands has ceased to exist. Per Article 3, Secton D, of the Bank Reorganization Agreement, personal funds of Hahiha / USSR have been used to cover a short fall of 962,349 Tacos. 1,929,332 Tacos have been restored to his account. All loans are completed, and account holders have been credited as listed above.
We thank the account holders for their patience.
All the best,
The Regional Reserve

This is sad news for these Islands, and TMS can only hope that some intrepid businessperson will step into the void to replace this necessary institution.

While July was a relatively quiet month in terms of legislation, our intrepid reporter, @kozmix , was ever vigilant in his coverage of the World Assembly.

General Assembly-

1. Agriculture Invasive Species Act:
I discussed this with the author over PM at the time of submission and later as well, The conclusions in the proposal are somewhat simple. Sapient species have the ability to introduce non-native non-sapient species into an agricultural environment, therefore this GA law restricts those species in order to make sure that no species that are harmful to the agricultural ecosystem are brought in, and this is determined through the power of Science. Woot

Pretty logical, very well developed, Nicely done. They also took care of the removal aspect of things, which is just good writing.

2. Preventing Desertification
This is a simple resolution as well, it deals with the possibility of overgrazing, runoff water and other environmental factors that lead to desertification in the nations. So it suggests that governments take action against this and uses the WA Environment Committee to make sure nations prevent the desertification of aerable land and keep it fertile for a long period of time.

3. Repeal: "Freedom of Expression"
This repeal was one of the biggest shocks to the WA. The repeal comes to a resolution, GA #30, which is one of the oldest and most important resolutions. The Freedom of Expression was given a fundamental right status by GAR #30. However, repeal-master Imperium Anglorum found the one existing "loophole" to this resolution, which was that Freedom of Expression allowed companies to spread false information about their products and work, which is inherently a bad thing.
I understand the argument that GAR #30 allows this. I don't understand why it had to be repealed because of this. I personally am of the opinion that a Corporate Honesty Act should be a thing, rather than repealing the entire resolution based on this hook. It is oddly ridiculous, as I think the agents that should be affected by the act are not corporations, but people and small NGO institutions, in some sense. I voted against the proposal, but it stands as a resolution today nevertheless.

4. Preventing Illicit Trade of Cultural Artifacts
This is a relatively large and well defined resolution. The resolution has two major aspects, the definitions and the actual resolution. The definitions are a simple set that covers the extent of expected terms that would come up in this resolution, including what qualifies as an illicit trade, what are the bounds of legality and so on. Since the definitions are, in my opinion at least, very well defined and set up, the entire resolution just falls in place, including the proper authorities of the auction houses should be verifies and so on. I liked the completeness of the resolution, in some sense.

5. Asbestos Consumption, Disposal and Worker Protection
Simple and efficient proposal. Asbestos was recognized as an important material and the amount of work that goes into working with it has made the manufacturers realize the potential harms of working on and with the material, and therefore creates a nice environment for the manufacture and use of asbestos.

Not everyone is aware of the conflict going on beneath our own noses, between our own members. We are talking of course about the Alemputo Nuclear War/ KJU Marshall War of
Aggression that is going on right now in the RP Forum. It appears to be a heated battle, with nukes flying on both sides, and political affiliations forming and dissolving at breakneck speed, with Machiavellian machinations the order of the day. Don’t miss out on the exciting action; check it out here: Late addendum: just before press time it has come to attention that these parties have ceased their hostilities. We do not yet know how they resolved their dispute, but we will have a man on the scene to investigate.


TMS does not pay Lethoica to write for our paper, but we might as well do so. His Breaking News in Taco Island” thread is a one man gossip fest. To be clear, he exhibits absolutely no sense of journalistic integrity, and has even less inclination to substantiate his sources. That, of course, is why he would be perfect for TMS. Neither are we burdened by such albatrosses. For example his thread recently trumpeted this tidbit:

BREAKING NEWS: Kortexia has mandadated that all tito members wear booty shorts

Naturally, this is scarcely to be believed and not only because of the misspelling of "mandated." But our credulity was further stretched by this whopper:

BREAKING NEWS: Breaking News in Taco Island otherwise known as the Daily Leth are suing The Mad Surfer for failing execute their duty as a newspaper to comment on every bit of juicy gossip.

Needless to say, that headline hits us considerably closer to home. We have alerted our legal staff, but so far his people have not contacted our people. Nevertheless, we stand poised. In a lame effort to distract us from what will surely be costly and time consuming legal battles, he posted this divertissement:

BREAKING NEWS: Kozmix has broken free from Aschente!

Despite the fact that this big, bold headline (in comic sans, no less) appeared in plain daylight on a public thread, Aschente has not risen to the bait. This too struck as a stab in the back, as the virtuous Kozmix is a member of our own diligent staff. TMS will keep its faithful readers apprised of any new developments.

Living in Paradise, many of us are prone to wax poetic from time to time. How can we help it? Idyllic settings, beautiful views, scintillating sunsets searing the stratosphere. But some are simply better at it than others. It is those superior wordsmiths that have the temerity to enter our Poet Laureate Contest, to vie against others of their craft. Our most recent winner is no surprise, as he wins about two of every three of such competitions, Our Bard of the Islands, none other than Sir Aersoldorf . Congratulations to the Vizier of Verbosity for another well crafted verse. But, don’t take our word for it; you can read it yourself here: A tip of the hat goes to one of our own, Kozmix, for contributing the second place entry, a bit of dandy verbal wizardry in its own right.

Rookie of the Quarter, Q2 2018
Time has come to present the award for the Rookie of the Quarter for the second quarter of 2018. Once again our Senior Senator of Himes West, the inimitable Siuts , had this to say at the presentation:
Fellow Islanders,
It is with great pleasure that I, as Senior Senator and exactly four years after I was awarded the title myself, get to announce the Rookie of the Quarter award winner for the second quarter of 2018.
The member in question not only is a WA citizen, but also joined TITO, a House and a Party, spams in Taco Island, participated in a WW game and a XKI Casino game, posted over 75 times and, more importantly, is an active and involved Islander! Without further ado, on behalf of the Council I hereby announce The African Emirates as Rookie of the quarter! Please help me congratulate The African Emirates on this wonderful honor!
As you know, our own editor, Jabberwocky, won the previous award, so we know what an honor it truly is to receive this distinction. In fact, the way he puffs himself up and struts about, we can scarcely forget. Now the TAE has won, maybe he’ll let it go! We trust TAE will become a presence to be reckoned with.
The political cauldron that is XKI is faced with another set of elections coming up in July. As of press time, Senator Siuts had already declared his intent to run for re-election of Himes West. Always the type to look forward, Siuts has already chosen a Deputy Senator, the stalwart New Minerve . Meanwhile, Finswedeway (TIP) and Dominion of Compassion (MSPP) have thrown their hats into the ring by announcing their candidacy for Senator of Lyonesse East. We are looking forward to a vigorous campaign. And, surely, someone will step up to run against these worthy candidates. But, whomever you prefer,

The recipient of this month’s award is less well known for his abundance of posts and more for the evocative, nay, the enigmatic, nature of the titles of his threads. Gleaned from classic novels or songs from a previous generation, his threads ask more questions than they answer. The June Spammer of the Month is none other than the mysterious Tanzoria , who, evidently, has recently abandoned a promising career as a detective. Tanz, here is your award:

Why wait for TMS to be delivered? Sign up to subscribe:

The Mad Surfer
Editor: Jabberwocky
Contributing Writers: Jabberwocky, Kozmix
Graphics Department: Kozmix, Jabberwocky
Advertising Department: Jabberwocky