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The Mad Surfer - August 2018 Edition

August, 2018

"The newspaper is a greater treasure to the people than uncounted millions of gold.”
Henry Ward Beecher


July featured the latest Senatorial elections, for Himes West and Lyonesse East. Due to a long history of sterling performance in which his name has become virtually synonymous with Himes West, incumbent Senator Siuts found himself running with no competition yet again. In fact, in the Senate Lobby, he is most often referred to as HW. While TMS is adamantly opposed to such a “contest” because it violates the very nature of politics, still we find it perfectly understandable. The truth is, nobody can possibly do the job better, and this has been proven time and again. Running against him must seem a formidable and futile, nay, a very Sisyphean, task.

In Lyonesse East, on the other hand, a contest was up and running in no time. Finswedeway was prompt to throw her hat into the ring, and the challenge was soon trumpeted by none other than former Delegate Dominion of Compassion . Both candidates were grilled during the heated debate that ensued, and their responses indicated patience and consideration prior to pontificating. Despite leaping to an early lead by DoC, the contest remained close enough to be interesting until, alas, the esteemed Fin was compelled to withdraw due to the constraints of RL, which reared its ugly head at an importune moment for citizens of these Islands.

Senator Jabberwocky of New Republica South vigorously campaigned across the Islands in an attempt to get citizens to the polls, but since both elections ended up without opposition, the apathy is a bit easier to understand. Voter turnout was a dismal 28 votes total of a possible 69 registered active voters. It is difficult to sustain a democratic society if the citizens fail to get involved. In that vein, our domestic correspondent, Jabberwocky, cornered sat down with a captive concerned citizen himself, former Delgate and current Senator of Lyonesse East, Dominion of Compassion. Jabberwocky posed a few questions which DoC answered en masse, to wit:

Dominion of Compassion Interview

1) Well, I came to the XKI from the first moment I joined NS and received the recruitment message from Grub! As soon as I read that telegram, I knew this was the region for me. I joined and right off the bat began participating in the RP board, which was incredibly fun. I’ve also always enjoyed politics, so when I met the requirements, I ran for senator of Himes West, against Aerso, and needless to say, I lost big time! To top it off, I ran as an independent, with no party backing! It was only after this campaign I ran that I was recruited to MSPP by Jin, and since then I’ve made that party my home! I’m so grateful that they reached out when they did! Fast forward to my next campaign, running for Senator of New Republica South, my first campaign that I won! Entering the Council Chambers for the first time is a feeling I’ll never forget! I made it my priority to do two things in my full year serving in that senate seat: clean up the political party area and make sure it was running at least better than when I found it, and begin reinvigorating the RP board. To that end, I was impressed with the changes in mods of the RP board, and I was happy to an extent with what I was able to do with the party area. Passing the law that mandates a minimum number of people from the parties to run in a year in order to be considered ‘active’ is one of the crowning achievements of my first year in the Council Chambers! I was so ecstatic that the Council saw a need and worked hard to meet that need! It’s no secret that after a full year of serving as NRS senator, I was voted out and replaced, something I was a bit, and I’m not ashamed to admit it, sore about. I felt that if I’d been given more time, and a more responsive, cohesive reaction to my ideas and plans to reinvigorate the party system, maybe I would’ve served two consecutive years as NRS Senator. But, who knows what would’ve been?

After my lost election, I was looking for a way to stay engaged and involved in the politics of our region, while also taking a break from the battlefield of the elections. So, instead of placing myself on the front lines, I decided to open my own Campaign Management agency. This way, not only was I in the front row watching the elections, I was actively involved for one candidate or another!

But, being a politician, I couldn’t stay away for very long. I believe I ran a couple more unsuccessful campaigns to reclaim the NRS senate seat, all to no avail. Then, it dawned on me, why not aim higher? In aiming higher, I failed in my first attempt to win the Delegacy, and while discouraged, I resolved to come back stronger the next election. And the next election, sure enough, I won the seat of Delegate! I was ecstatic to be able to serve the Islands in this manner! I would say that my Delegacy was characterized by a desire to reflect a stronger foreign policy in regards to the NS world. I saw the role of Delegate as both a moral obligation and a literal obligation; morally, I felt like it was our job to call out regions and people that were damaging innocent players, and literally in the sense that it was my job to manage and take care of the Islands. I felt it was my responsibility to call out evildoers and look after my own people at the same time. I took the role of humility and decided to not call out verbally and publicly people who had offended our regional beliefs, but instead kept an eye on situations and developments abroad. I believe that this six month stint as Delegate has really made me appreciate foreign policy and how we relate to other regions much more, and I’ll be considering this in greater detail from here on out.

Overall, my year as Senator and six months as Delegate will forever touch and color how I engage with the NS world and this region. I’m so grateful for the opportunities I’ve had, and I wouldn’t trade them for the world! Did I accomplish everything I felt needed to get done in my year on the senate and six months as Delegate? No, not by a long shot. Do I believe that eventually, we will get all I wanted- and more- accomplished? One hundred percent, yes, I do believe that!

2) The House Cup competition is incredibly important to the Islands. Not only does it increase a sense of camaraderie, it also gets us active and involved in making the XKI a better region! We get out there and recruit, recruit, recruit, and we help bring active, devoted people to our wonderful region! I believe I have participated in the contest before, but I’ve been involved in so many aspects of the XKI over my several years here, that it gets hard to keep track of everything I’ve done!

3) The political process, like anywhere worth being, is vitally important here in the XKI. It’s the backbone of representing the will of the people. I do feel like the process is dulled, at the very least, if not diluted when people either refuse to run or drop out midway through. Of course, situations happen, and people may have to stop running midstream, and that’s fine! Things happen, and we should be compassionate and kind to those who are struggling. This was the basis behind the law requiring at least three people from each party every year have to run, to try and mandate participation. Otherwise, the parties become glorified social gatherings with no real purpose or mission. I’m happy to say though, that this is a problem I’d rather have, over the alternative- a cruel, spiteful, and mud-slinging competition to see who can discredit and ruin who in a more creative way- that draws massive participation. I’d rather have low participation of devoted and kind people who all work for the benefit of the XKI, and work with people who may have beaten them (or lost to them!) rather than a winner-take-all, I-win-you-lose free for all in which everyone slanders and attacks different party members. Because then, even if we have 100% participation, the Islands lose. No one would work together, everyone would stab each other in the back, gridlock would ruin the Islands, and we’d look similar to Osiris, and that’s not what we’re about. And this is what keeps me motivated to run for public office, helping my fellow Islanders, making this region the best we can be, and truly showing people how much I love and care for this beautiful region!

4) Absolutely not. With our campaign laws, in which new nations can’t be masked until after the elections, there is no way outsiders could influence the election on a massive scale. The worst they could do is run a ‘Trojan horse’ candidate, and I don’t believe we have any evidence of that occurring in this campaign.

Jabber: last question. What is your opinion of the recent legislation that allows XKI citizens to serve in foreign governments?

I think this is an important step forward in improving relations between us and our allies, while also helping spread our influence to new places! As long as the law isn’t overextended and abused, I truly feel that this has the potential to open many new doors for a better understanding of and relationships with other regions! Foreign policy is important, and I’m happy to see us doing what we can to work with other regional governments to improve our standing!

Dominion of Compassion, we thank you for your time. It is evident that you share many of the concerned being addressed by the current Senator of NRS. We hope to see our citizens get more involved in a process that affects their daily lives here in XKI.


Investors in XKI received bad news for the second month in a row, this time a bigger hit than last, as the Stock Market tumbled precipitously in unprecedented fashion. Virtually all stocks took a turn for the worse with an overall loss of about 3%. Many attribute this to FIFA losses by Germany, Argentina and Portugal. This downturn was in spite of the fact that it has been scientifically proven that happy humorous cows produce more and better milk due to exposure to tv comedies. And, really, can there be any happier cows than those in the 10000 Islands?
Here is a quote from the Mortimer Report: “Scientists at the Totally Awesome Cattle and Ornithological Society (TACOS) found that cows which grew up with herders laughing at a particular type of humor, learned that those jokes were funny, which made them happy. Because of this increase in blood flow as a calf, they grew up to be cows with a sense of humor, and excellent health, a widely envied combination.” As a result, revenues from cattle ranches increased by 500 tacos. Be sure to read the Mortimer Report in its entirety, here:

New Minerve

This segment is designed to focus on hard hitting questions about the real people we play .All questions are designed to get to the truth hidden behind the shadowy user of XKI . All Answers given are 100% true and are taken directly from the people we play with, the rest is more than likely made up. My interviewee for this month edition’s edition is on the ever present but ever mysterious Paffnia . We all know him as the ever working Paffnia, Minister of Labor, and an integral part to XKI’s economy, but what do we really known about Paffnia the person? Let’s find out by jumping right into the midst of the interview, just as I do, because we all know the key element to a good interview is surprise.

NM: What country are you from?

P: The Good Ol' U. S. of A.

NM: What’s the grossest food you ever had to eat to be polite?

P: I ate guinea pig in Peru, but that was a choice. Too chewy for my liking.

NM: Who is favorite musician?

P:Right now, I'm on a Creedence Clearwater Revival kick. Always a solid band. Though they seem to be in every movie soundtrack lately.

NM: What afterschool activity did you quit as a kid, and why?

P:T-ball, wrestling, and basically any team sport until I discovered cross-country running.

NM: If you could turn the ocean into a liquid other than water, which one would you pick?

P: Horchata, because it is the nectar of the gods. Alternatively, I would turn it into slightly colder water, because if our leaders aren't going to do anything about climate change, I should take the opportunity, no?

NM: What is your favorite conspiracy theory? And do you believe in it?

P: Elon Musk is pushing the hyperloop so hard—even though it's a totally nonviable, impractical, unsafe, and expensive mode of transportation—not because he really thinks it can work as touted, but because he wants to undermine support for public transit (particularly high-speed rail in California). Once traditional transit withers for lack of support but the hyperloop also fails to end up working, what will we be left with? Cars. And who makes the cars of the future? Tesla. Also owned by Elon Musk. So Musk is talking about hyperloops so much only to sell more of his cars. Totally believe it.

NM: Do you have a favorite author? If you could make them write fan fiction for any TV show which TV show would it be.

P: Maybe not my all-time favorite, but Robert Caro is the greatest biographer of the last century. I would love it if he wrote any T.V. show with a historical setting; he'd be so good.

NM: If you could ban 1 food from the face of the planet what would you ban?

P: Good riddance to the pieces of celery in soup. Raw celery is fine, but mushy soup celery is a plague upon humanity (I've heard that it helps flavor soup as it cooks; if that's true, use it like a bay leaf and take it out before eating).

As you can see by the end of the Interview Paffnia is far more mysterious than any of us even knew. I was left with more questions than answers by the end, of course no due to a lack of amazing interviewing skills by yours truley. So to my XKIslanders out there "Stay safe and Stay Vigilant until next time this is New Minerve reporting the underbelly of XKI."


We would like to acknowledge @baden-Wuerttemberg for giving TMS this idea. We hope she will contribute one day too.
It is no news that XKI University attracts some of the greatest and most disciplined intellects in the entire NS universe. A lesser known fact is that some of the world's greatest writers harbor right here on our own shores. As a natural result, these birds of a particular feather congregate in the hallowed halls of intelligentsia in order to discuss a few of the the finest written works known to humankind...those scribed by our very own citizens. One offshoot of this meeitng of great minds is "The Wordsmith's Really Interesting Typographical Ensemble Club", otherwise known as W.R.I.T.E. In this and upcoming issues, we here at TMS will return to the days of newpaper lore, and serialize some literary masterpieces penned by your very own friends and associates, including visitng difnitaries from foregin shores. This month, we begin with the initial part of a short piece written by a well known friend of the 100000 Islands, Emoticonius, entitled Totes.

Part 1 - Origins

With great power comes great responsibility. Every now and then stories take place that tell of heroes and villains. Stories of valor, honor and overcoming adversity. Well this isn’t one of them. This is a story about a humble (not by choice,) timid (not by choice,) and awkward (not by choice,) young man that works as the best damn valet in history. That’s no reflection on how well he does his job. That’s his job title that his boss gave him to boost the young man’s confidence and performance on the job.

Kyle was eating breakfast like he does every morning, just after he got dressed like he does every morning and just before he brushed his teeth like he does every morning. After he finished his morning routine he began walking to school dressed in his rain suit. On his way to school he passes by the local grocery store, Meal Ticket. Today he decided to stop by and get a snack to go with his lunch since snacks are so expensive at school and Meal Ticket has some great deals. So he went to aisle four in search of a carton of malted milk balls. On his way there he passed a man in the produce section acting suspiciously. His shopping cart was very full. The edge of it was lined with large glass jars of something he couldn’t identify. Of course Kyle couldn’t concern himself with that right now because he didn’t want to be late for class. So he grabbed a large carton of malted milk balls and as he exited the aisle a flash of light blinded him and he passed out.

Kyle woke up an undetermined amount of time later, somewhat dazed, with the sound of sirens in the background. The building around him was in pieces, charred black and burning. He noticed that despite the extreme damage to the building he himself was completely unharmed. His backpack was so light that he thought everything in it had fallen out. However there was no time to focus on that. He was still very confused about what was happening. He stumbled forward a few feet before a firefighter noticed him walking out of the debris-covered area and charged towards him. “Sir! Sir!” the firefighter shouted. “Are you okay sir!” he asked as he lifted Kyle off the ground. “Don’t worry sir you’re going to be okay!” The firefighter carried Kyle to a nearby tent where some men in hazmat suits scanned him with strange devices he’d never seen before. They told him to undress and amidst all the confusion he still wasn’t aware of what was going on. Emergency crews placed his clothing in plastic bags and led him to a shower for decontamination. After a few decontamination cycles he was sent to the hospital for further examination. Several hours later he was released and picked up by his mom who’d come running into the examination room bawling her eyes out, “Oh my god my little boy is okaaaaaay!” She hugged him so tight and to be honest he was still unsure about what happened. “What happened anyways, mom?”

Kyle’s mom dried her tears and said with a look of disbelief, “You don’t know? Somebody detonated a bomb inside Meal Ticket. How close to the building were you?” Kyle was even more confused now “I was inside Meal Ticket.” His mom was pretty shocked.
“That’s not possible Kyle.”
“But it’s true. I was buying a snack to have with my lunch at school. Suddenly there was this blinding light and I passed out. When I woke up the building was gone and there was a lot of fire around me. Then emergency crews took me to a tent for decontamination and I was taken to the hospital for examination.” His mom was flabbergasted and a bit upset.
“If you won’t tell me the truth then don’t take the time to lie to me. Now come on. You’re going home, resting for a few days and that is not up for debate.” Kyle didn’t argue with his mom about it. He knew that she was very worried about him. He felt like something was missing though.
“Wait mom, I think I left my backpack.” She corrected him.
“What do you mean Kyle? You’re carrying it right now.” Now *Kyle* was flabbergasted. His backpack felt weightless even though his shoulders are usually sore from carrying so many books around. He wondered what was going on.

Next month we will continue with Part Two.
But for those of you still thirsty for literature, and too busy to bet by XKI Library, TMS would like to add some poetry to the mix. Today we feature a short untitled piece by Mursilis.

Directing the water,
they rise and fall,
with the breeze's push
and the moon's pull.

We capture the wind,
as our sails shall,
bending with its touch
and rudder's lull.

Stars map the skies,
we read their call,
navigate the waves' clutch
and the world's full.
This month's award goes to a copious poster of frequent spams, but the recipient is less known for the abundance of spam, but for the fact that nearly every post he makes is diametrically opposed to an earlier post by Hakketomat . We are talking about, of course, none other than our own highly esteemed Mayor of Taco Island, Ater Nox . Mayor, we hereby present you with your award.

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The Mad Surfer is:
Editor: Jabberwocky
Contributing Writers: Jabberwocky, Kozmix, New Minerve, Emoticonius, Mursilis
Graphics Department: Kozmix
Advertising Department: Jabberwocky