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The Mad Surfer - September 2018 Edition

THE MAD SURFER
September 2018

“Most of us probably feel we couldn’t be free without newspapers,
and that is the real reason we want newspapers to be free.”
Edward R. Murrow

Weather: Sunny
Air temp: perfect
Water temp: perfect
Waves: Crunchy!

SEPTEMBER SENATE ELECTIONS
In addition to announcing the imminent arrival of autumn, September also heralds a pair of Senatorial elections, to determine who will helm Blue Canaria North and New Republica South. Incumbent Senator Jabberwocky (MSPP) immediately declared his intent to seek re-election. Hard upon his heels, however, was the current Deputy Senator for Himes West, Sargon Reman (TIP), who announced he will be running for Senator of Blue Canaria North. Let it be noted that this is the second consecutive DS who has sought to leave the employ of the esteemed Senator Siuts in midterm in favor of seeking higher office themselves. We attribute this not to the Senator's well known penchant for cracking the whip, but rather to his ability to pass his knowledge and leadership skills to those who labor in his service.

Both Jabberwocky and Sargon Reman were quick to deliver their campaign statements. While the former was humorously self effacing, his speech appeared to dwell upon his own deficiencies while in office and highlighted the many things he has failed to accomplish, relying instead, it seems, upon the good will of the voting public. Sargon Reman, on the other hand, prepared a cogent and systematic accounting of precisely what he hopes to accomplish if elected. His experience shows in the manner in which he anticipates the public's wishes, as opposed to Jabber's go-with-the-flow philosophy endemic among Islanders.
CORRECTION: it has been pointed out to us that Sargon Reman is not the Deputy Senator for Himes West, but rather for Lyonesse East; New Minerve is DS for Himes West. We attribute the error to the fact that the writer, Jabberwocky, while surfing, suffered a vicious wipeout during an epic wave, and the impact upon the sand rendered him silly.

THE POLLS ARE OPEN!
Exercise your rights as a citizen. VOTE!!

DELEGATE ELECTION
As Alkasia 's (TIP) term draws to a close, the race for his successor has already taken flight. Longstanding citizen Kuriko (TDP) has announced that she will be seeking this prestigious post, but her challenge came hours after Dominion of Compassion (MSPP) had thrown his hat into the ring. Kuriko rose to the challenge haste posthaste by giving her own speech extolling her considerable NS experience as well as a clear and concise strategy for her intended term of office.
Dominion of Compassion, currently the Senator of Lyonesse East, was busy Senating and declined to advance a campaign statement .
CORRECTION REDUX: Kuriko was quick to observe that in fact SHE announced her candidacy for Delegate first. We stand corrected.
THE POLLS ARE OPEN. VOTE!! Exercise your rights!
10000islands.proboards.com/board/188/voting-booth

TITO NEWS
Triple Promotion: Three of our celebrated members of TITO have attained new levels of excellence in August. Tactical Officer Kortexia , who is also in command of the Discord Bot, was recently awarded his 200th Battle Star, for which he received from Hakketomat the TITO Knight Master Commander Medal.
Next to stand at the podium was the longest serving Tactical Officer currently on Command, the inestimable Sir Kanta Hame . Already a recipient of the Anime Daisuki Cross, KH received upon this occasion his 350th Battle Star, for which he was given the Knight Armada Commander Medal.
Last, but far from least, an honorable mention was given to Flemingisa, but the occasion was tempered by the fact that the talented Flem is stepping down due to the constraints of that sometimes elusive spectre that is RL. Flem, we hardly knew ye. You provided valuable advice and indispensable leadership to new arrivals, guidance for those who were still learning their way.

HEART OF THE ISLANDS
The ceremony was brief, the celebration subdued, but the impact lives on. With the unanimous support of the Council of Nine, Paffnia was awarded one of the most exalted honors ever bestowed upon an Islander. But even our verbose and vocabulous writers could not beat Woonsocket at his game. We quote: “ It is with distinct pleasure that I come before you today to present to one of our hardest working members, Paffnia, the Heart of the Islands award. He is a tireless promoter of all things good here in 10000 Islands, serving in multiple government positions, taking the sting out of bad Mortimer reports, as well as constantly thinking of ways to make this a better region, a better forum, a better place for us all.

This prestigious award is given out on occasion to great nations that have served the 10000 Islands with distinction, and exemplify the spirit of 10000 Islands. I am pleased to note that the other members of the Council of Nine unanimously supported this action.

Thank you, Paffnia, for all you have done for our region over the years! You truly make this a great place to be!”
Here at TMS, we consider even this eloquent diction to be damning with faint praise. Paffnia was among the first to offer encouragement when our courageous and innovative (not to mention beloved) Editor first launched his sorry excuse for a news rag. He was among those in line to offer support when that same intrepid newsman ran for Senate and defied all odds by emerging victorious. It is for that reason that the Editor's office displays a large oil portrait of the talented Paffnia, whose virtues cannot be adequately enumerated.

BUSINESS NEWS

The Mortimer Report: Gold Rush Days
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it. At least that’s the way conventional wisdom would have it, and in this case that legend has been born out in modern times. While on a salmon fishing trip, an Islander stumbled upon a few gold nuggets, that later led to XKI’s famous Gold Rush. In ensuing years, celebrations of this event became traditional, and continue to this very day with the Islands’ largest rodeo competition. Between the rodeo and a vastly successful merchandising campaign, gold mines saw increased production, leading to a payoff to those investing in gold mines. Despite losses in many sectors, TRR saw a massive gain that boosted the overall market by 1%. This suggests a slow but definite recovery from losses in recent months. See the Mortimer Report in its entirety here: 10000islands.proboards.com/thread/36053/gold-rush-days-aug-18?page=1&scrollTo=1644539.

FLEMINGISA RETIRES
Anyone who is anyone in NS has seen it happen: RL arrives on the scene to disrupt our easygoing lifestyles. And indeed this has proven to be the case with our own beloved Flemingisa , who, due to the constraints of real life, has been forced to withdraw from his various duties in and around these Islands (wedding bells are breaking up that old gang of ours!). In addition to his numerous responsibilities, he has been friend to so many of us that his presence here has become a daily sine qua non. However, you will still see him lurking about the dusty corridors of power occasionally, so be sure to buy him a drink; perhaps he'll set down his bag and tell a tale. Which us brings us to both another problem as well as a solution.

XKI UNIVERSITY
With Flem's retirement, two job openings came available: that of Dean of XKU University, and that of Deputy Dean. This quandary well illustrates how valuable was Flem's contribution: it takes two people to replace him. As the job qualifications for Dean are so stringent, and so few are actually qualified, there was some concern regarding whether the position would be filled at all. Fortunately, XKI is home to the best and the brightest, and both positions remain vacant no longer. The newly appointed Dean is himself a longstanding citizen of these Islands, none other than Palman ; his Deputy is one whose name is fast becoming familiar to us all, Sargon Reman . Congratulations to the new appointees, who will indubitably do us all proud. Well done!

THE WA SCENE
TMS knows that XKIslanders are busy people. With the surf and the sun, inland lakes, mountains, and too many attractions to enumerate, not to mention THOSE WAVES! So it's easy to understand why many don't keep up with the work being done in NS legislation, which includes our busy Council of Nine. August was indeed a busy month on the NS legislative front. We’ll give you a quick rundown.
Protection of Free Expression, which ensures "free expression" as the ability to outwardly demonstrate, articulate, or otherwise express a political, cultural, social, moral, religious, ideological or other belief without fear of state punishment or reprisal, noting however that there do exist legitimate reasons to curtail free expression in situations where it infringes on other rights, such as the freedom from fraud or defamation, or hinders the peace and good order necessary for the preservation of civil society. For further explanation and clarification of his resolution, please go to your reader friendly WA page.

Ban on Conversion Therapy, which prohibits any person or organisation in a World Assembly member-state from performing conversion therapy on minors, and further and additionally prohibits any public or governmental body in a World Assembly member-state from recommending or performing conversion therapy on any individual. TMS strongly urges its readers to read the full text of this critically important resolution.

Repeal Crime and Punishment, which empowers the Assembly once again to ban the morally problematic, unmerciful, and outdated practice of capital punishment, does hereby repeal General Assembly Resolution #375, "Crime and Punishment." .

Uniform Labelling of Hazardous Goods. Ths resolution entrusts the International Transport Safety Committee (ITSC) with creating a labeling system to communicate the important risks and dangers of materials in a manner that is both noticeable and as universally recognizable as possible. It also covers the ITSC's authority regarding transportation of such goods, training personnel responsible for handling and transport, warning signs and determination of punitive measures for violations. Another issue of vital importance for industry and consumer alike.

Administrative Compliance Act. Everybody, but everybody knows that all WA nations are obligated to comply with legislation. This resolution is a response to those many nations that deliberately contravene international laws to gain an unfair advantage over their neighbours. Hold fair and independent evidentiary hearings for claims of noncompliance brought by the WACC, overseen by a panel of independent adjudicators. This proposition too is vital reading for all nations.

Citizens, be aware that these are the most cursory overviews of the resolutions. TMS advocates the reading of the text of each, knowing that legislation enacted in the Assembly affects all citizens in WA nations.

THE LITERATI
The addition last month of the publication of one of our distinguished visitors, in this case Emoticonius was so wildly popular, we decided to print the second part. This is more fruit from the literary vine to be found in the W.R.I.T.E. club which flourishes in and around the cloistered halls of XKI University, and can be found here: 10000islands.proboards.com/thread/35661/club. But the suspense is killing you, so here it is---
TOTES
Part Two - Discovery
By
Emoticonius
(reprinted with permission of author)

Kyle’s ride home was spent being lectured about how he should have gone straight to school. His mom continued on,
“Who said you could go to the store on your way to school anyways? Why are you wasting your allowance on junk food? I don’t give you money so you can rot your teeth ya know.”
“I’m a senior in high school now mom. Stop treating me like a kid.”
“As long as you live under my roof a kid is exactly what you are. We're home now so I want you go to straight to your room and lay down.” His mom pulled into the driveway. She was still distracted after what happened. Kyle could tell because she almost hit the garage door but she slammed the brakes at the last second. He was just as worried about her as she was about him.
“Leave the groceries to me mom. You look like you could use some time to rest.”
“You're one to talk mister. You just got out of the hospital and you need your rest.”
“At least let me take in the dog food. It's heavy.”
“Fine but you're going to bed right after it's done.” Kyle grabbed hold of the dog food and prepared to hoist on his shoulder. Expecting the 52lb bag to be difficult to heave out of the trunk he lifted the bag with all his might. To his surprise the bag was launched behind him at an extraordinary speed! He wasn't sure what to do. Kyle’s mom yelled from inside the house, “What's taking so long? Get the dog food in here so you can rest already.”
“Almost done mom!” Kyle called out with urgency. He was getting nervous. He looked around quickly. He didn't know what he was looking around for but it seemed like all he could do.
“Ummm...mom I think you forgot to buy dog food.”
“What do you mean? I clearly remember hauling it to the checkout lane. It was quite heavy.”
“But it’s not here.” Kyle’s mom came back outside to investigate.
“There’s no way I forgot to buy dog food. I never forget the dog food.” She scoured the trunk of her car but to no avail. Try as she may there was no dog food to be found.
“I don't understand. I was sure that I'd bought it.” She shrugged, “Oh well I guess I'll have to buy some tomorrow. Now go to your room and get some rest.”
“Okay mom.” So he did as he was told.

It was still just 2PM so there was no way he'd go to bed. Naturally Kyle wanted to know just what happened to him so he decided to experiment with it. He lifted some weights from his barbells but they were heavy like anyone would expect. He wasn't sure why the dog food and his backpack were so light but then he had an idea. What they both had in common was that they were both bags with something inside them. The idea was absurd but he didn't know what else could explain it. So he emptied his backpack and put the weights in it.
“Here goes...something.” Kyle said as he lifted his backpack off the ground. It was light as a feather! This didn't make any sense to him. It seemed though that he could lift anything effortlessly so long as it was in a bag.
“This is really weird. What am I supposed to do with this?” Just then he heard his mom calling,
“Kyle! It's going to rain tomorrow so I'm going back to the grocery store for the dog food. I'll be back within the next hour.”
“Okay mom. Be careful out there.”

Kyle thought this was a perfect opportunity to go out and give his newfound strength a practical try. He watched outside from the window in his room until his mom drove away then grabbed his backpack and ran a few blocks away to the nearest major street. It was a kind of a rough neighborhood sometimes so he thought he might find someone causing trouble. He waited for about half an hour but nothing went wrong. Everything was right. He was pretty hungry since he hadn't eaten anything except breakfast. Lucky for him there was an authentic Mexican restaurant across the street. He went there for a bite but when he entered another customer was yelling at a waitress.
“I don't care how big it is I refuse to pay $10.95 for a nacho!”
The waitress, in her best customer service voice, asked the furious customer, “Would you like to speak with the manager?”
The customer continued yelling at the waitress who was only doing her job,
“Yes! Maybe then I can talk to someone with a bit of competence! Now get out of my sight!”
The waitress rolled her eyes, “The manager will be here shortly.” She walked behind the counter and into the kitchen with a look of irritation. Moments later the manager came out to engage the enraged customer.
“What seems to be the problem?” The customer proceeded to verbally abuse the restaurant staff,
“Your food is too expensive! I ordered your super nacho and my bill said it costs $10.95! That's too much for a nacho regardless of its size! I won't pay it!”
The manager could hardly believe it.
“I'm afraid our prices are non-negotiable. You knew the price when you ordered off the menu. If you don't pay then I'll be forced to call the police.” The customer grew even more angry.
“You'll need the police when I'm through with you!” The customer raised his fist and just as he was about take a swing Kyle intervened.
“Hey! Don’t you dare hurt that nice man! Just pay your bill and leave.” The customer replied with an arrogant tone,
“Or else what kid? How about I punch you instead? The customer moved swiftly towards Kyle and raised his fist. Kyle was sweating nervously but he swung his backpack at the mad man hitting him in the stomach. The customer fell back a few feet crashing into the wall and collapsed on the ground gasping for air. The restaurant staff was speechless. Kyle didn’t think about how he'd explain it to anyone. He panicked and ran back home as fast as he could.
“I can't believe I did that with just my textbooks from school!” He made it back home and luckily his mom hadn't returned yet. So he went back to his room and checked his backpack only to discover that he forgot to take the weights out before he left. It worked though!
"This is just the beginning. Who knows what else I could do!"

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENTS
Calendar:
COMMENDATION DAY: September 14 -- Commemorating and honoring the date that 10000 Islands was awarded its second commendation after the first was repealed by invaders who used the ruse of how the original was written.
Coming in October -- Oct. 3, Islantines Day
-- Oct. 8, Nation States Day
-- Oct. 19, Empire of Power Annexation Day
Beginning October 1 and running for two weeks, we have the Poet Laureate Contest, so sharpen your quills and fill your inkwells.

The Immigration Report
Not only did Lethoica appoint Sargon Reman as new Deputy Minister of Immigration (SR seems to be everywhere these days!), but the new appointee acquitted himself admirably by issuing over 3000 TGs and recruiting 68 new members. His associates did not stand by blinded with admiration; rather they were hard at work, with these results:

Recruiter TGs Sent Points Confirmed Recruits Success Rate
escanaba 10957 27193 268 2.45%
Sargon 2762 6896 68 2.46%
kuriko 137 320 0 0%
lethoica 46 127 1 2.17%

Well Done! Our population now stands at 1236 Nations and growing!
SPAMMER OF THE MONTH

Last and quite possibly least, we have the moment that none of you have been waiting for. Last month's award winner was not content to sit on his assets and rest on his laurels, but immediately set to work diligently and assiduously. As a consequence, we have our first repeat winner, and the only to win back-to-back, a man who needs no introduction, none other than our inimitable Mayor Ater Nox . Congratulations your Eminimeness....I mean, Eminence. Here is your award:

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The Mad Surfer
Editor: Jabberwocky
Contributing Writers: Jabberwocky, Emoticonius
Advertising Department: Jabberwocky

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