The midterms ain't over till Kenny says they're over!

"Oh my God, you guys! Does anyone know how to get to Washington?" a
desperately lost Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez begged of supporters Tuesday night.

PARADISE CITY --- Yeah, that's right, Omigodtheykilledkenny had midterm elections this month too. Big whoop, wanna fight about it?!

In what Kent Brockman might describe as "a veritable orgy of bad planning," state and local governments were forced to scramble at the last minute to organize Tuesday's "emergency" elections for congressional, state and local offices after some officials checked the calendar and realized said elections were supposed to have been held over a year ago.

With little time to prepare and recruit candidates voters might actually want to support, the national Liberal and Conservative parties in many cases were stuck with national embarrassments.

In Colorado Island, Kristen Sonoma (L) and Marcia McRandy (C), competing against each other for Senate, discovered right before a key debate that they were both having an affair with -- and being financed by -- the same wealthy donor. When the moderator called the candidates onto stage, they appeared to polite applause, which soon turned to noisy groaning and hollering as the two women began to wail on each other on live television.

"Well, I was going to declare them both Feminists of the Year, but now I'm just going to be sick," remarked a disgusted Gloria Steinem from the spin room, as she hurled a couple award plaques in the garbage.

In Kennsylvania, a still quite-deranged Ambassador Angela Hymenator-Weisenheimer (L) used as her stump speech a rejected paper she tried to introduce at a women's symposium last year, in which she hashes out a full indictment of Justin Bieber for alleged "crimes against feminism." The paper-turned-speech incorporated a nearly 30-minute rant describing Bieber's physical attributes, which was so graphic it might even make the empress of The imperial state blush.

Voters across the country were hospitalized with alcohol poisoning after a viral tweet suggested an election drinking game, in which participants took a shot every time a Liberal candidate uttered the phrase "preexisting conditions."

In Tejas, a Liberal challenger for Senate, Richard Franklin O'Bailey, insisted that everyone call him "Vito" (supposedly a "childhood nickname" of his), in a vain attempt to appeal to Italian-heritage residents of the state. He might have taken it a bit too far, however, when he started delivering pizzas to voters' doors while dressed as Mario, and talking about how his opponents should be "sleeping with the fishes" during his stump speech.

Not to be outdone, "Vito's" Conservative opponent, who actually is of Italian heritage, started wearing his hair in a "poof," dancing on the boardwalk, and calling himself "Snooki." (Fact check: The original Snooki was Lebanese.)

Both candidates were eventually arrested and charged with hate crimes.

By the last week of the campaign, hero lawyer Michael Avenatti had filed a class-action lawsuit on behalf of millions of enraged voters, seeking an injunction preventing all candidates up and down the ballot from ever campaigning for public office again. However, the power had gone out at the federal courthouse by the time Avenatti arrived. It was pitch black. He is likely to have been eaten by a grue.

Notably absent from the campaign trail for nearly the entire electoral season was the nation's President Sammy Faisano, or even very many mentions of him from candidates or pundits -- this despite the usual description of midterms as a "referendum" on the incumbent administration. Instead, the Liberal minority kept their gaze focused on an even easier target, Faisano's bomb-throwing vice president, Jack Riley.

Indeed, many Liberal politicos have stated that a key goal of the next Congress would be to ensure the continued protection of Faisano, so that the nation would never see Riley ascend to the highest office in the land. A number have stated their desire to impeach the vice president purely as a preemptive measure.

Several Liberal assemblymen, in public appearances with Faisano, have actually thrown themselves in front of him when they thought they heard a gunshot (usually a car backfiring). Others have been seen in novelty T-shirts, inspired by the movie "The Truman Show," bearing the slogan, "Love Him. Protect Him."

"We are not here today to condemn the current Conservative administration -- although they obviously try our patience!" claimed Assemblywoman Loretta Singer (L-Santa Califia) during a recent rally. "No, we are here to raise the alarm about the horrors to come if anything should happen to our current president!" Numerous members of Singer's audience shuddered audibly at the prospect.

A screen projecting Riley's image was lowered behind the assemblywoman so that she and her supporters could hold a special Two Minutes Hate.

To illustrate the left's fear of Riley, progressive ice-cream moguls Dan and Barry released a special limited-edition flavor, ImPEACH-MINT, a minty peach ice cream mixed with chunks of nut clusters (clearly a commentary on Riley's mental state).

Perhaps the most bizarre incident of the campaign occurred in Nueva Jorge, where U.S. Congresswoman-elect Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez made an unexpected cameo appearance.

Having apparently made a wrong turn while trying to make it to Washington, D.C., the rising socialist star crashed into an multi-use auditorium in the city of Thoringrad, where a political rally for incumbent Liberal Assemblyman Sirus Hecklemeyer, 97, was underway. Assuming Ocasio-Cortez was there to endorse the assemblyman, the audience cheered.

Heroically, Alexandria exited her vehicle and made her way to the stage. "It's great to be here in the nation's capital!" she exclaimed. "Does anyone know where the nearest climate-action protest is, so I can make some easy headlines?" The audience briefly paused to exchange confused looks, then broke out into more cheers.

Unbeknownst to Ocasio-Cortez, however, Hecklemeyer was having a different reaction to her appearance. Apparently the excitement was just too much for the old man, who suffered a heart attack and collapsed to the stage.

"Oh my God, I think I just killed your congressman!" Ocasio-Cortez interjected. "I can go to the Congress instead, if he can't do it. I need a second job to pay for my apartment in D.C. anyway, so it all works out!"

From the audience, more confused looks, more cheering.

As to whether the elections themselves resulted in either house of Congress changing hands, we'll finish counting the ballots tomooooorrrrrrrooooww!!! Gawd!!!!