by Max Barry

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DispatchBulletinCampaign

by The République Barltave of Barlyy. . 101 reads.

Spooktober 2021 Baloominati Campaign

do we even need a campaign to win?

whatever. here's why you should vote for us:

1.) Big Baloo is the best!!!1

Big Baloowo is the best. You "love" Big Baloo with a capital L. You just do. If you don't, well...

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2.) You and your family will be lasered by your BigBalooTM Statue if you don't vote for us lol

We, at BalooCorp(R), value compliance more than anything. Dissent is no joke. Remember: death is just a punchline away.

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3.) Ted Cruz

As it can be seen from a previous poll our government has conducted (a poll which was, sadly, deleted), Ted Cruz garnered more votes than me [Barlyy]. The satisfaction of our customers is a core value of BalooCorp(R), so we made Ted Cruz a candidate. Checkmate, liberals.

4.) Almost heaven, West Virginia

If you've been paying attention to the RMB, you'll have noticed that we've been relaxing the rules by a considerable amount. If we win, we will continue to do that. Callista and BCK [Bluecrown Keep] are the regions they are now (or, in BCK's case, was) because the rules are [and were] lax, but not too lax. Can you imagine a BCK where you can't roleplay? Or a Callista where you can't call Barlyy a femboy every 2 seconds? No, those things are not possible.

Therefore, it is the goal of the Baloominati to not only *keep* the status quo, but to *improve* on it.

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5.) The Banhammer of Thor

The backgrounds of all residents of Callista will be thoroughly investigated, and, if any of them have lied in the citizenship form, banned. Also, all citizens of Callista must re-fill their citizenship form and make it into a dispatch. A single wrong fact, and it's over.

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6.) Owning the libs

Facts don't care about your feelings, dear reader. Let's say, hypothetically, that the opposition wins the election. They have 3 months to rule (allegedly). Sure, let's say they have 6 months to rule. That's 6 months of governmental work that could've been redirected to making memes. Let's say the BigBalooTMStatue goes mad, okay? Let's say it wants to eat your family, okay? If the liberal left says "the baloominati is lazy", then logically, they hate Baloo, correct? Let's say the BigBalooTM has already eaten your family, dear reader. Hypothetically speaking, what could the left do about it?

So, uhh... vote for us or else get eaten.

The République Barltave of Barlyy

Edited:

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