The Empire of Heinz is a gargantuan, efficient nation, ruled by Der Heinz with an even hand, and remarkable for its free-roaming dinosaurs, anti-smoking policies, and daily referendums. The hard-nosed, cynical, humorless population of 25.643 billion Heinzians are highly moralistic and fiercely conservative, in the sense that they tend to believe most things should be outlawed. People who have good jobs and work quietly at them are lauded; others are viewed with suspicion.

The medium-sized, corrupt government juggles the competing demands of Defense, Law & Order, and Industry. It meets to discuss matters of state in the capital city of Heinzia. The average income tax rate is 68.0%.

The frighteningly efficient Heinzian economy, worth a remarkable 3,512 trillion DMS a year, is broadly diversified and dominated by the Arms Manufacturing industry, with significant contributions from Woodchip Exports, Tourism, and Furniture Restoration. Black market activity is rampant. State-owned companies are reasonably common. Average income is an impressive 136,979 DMS, with the richest citizens earning 5.4 times as much as the poorest.

The government spends more on chasing distant comets than on basic infrastructure, all beauty contests have been banned, it is a common belief that a sport isn't sport if there are no decapitations, and smoking is banned in public areas. Crime, especially youth-related, is totally unknown, thanks to a well-funded police force and progressive social policies in education and welfare. Heinz's national animal is the eagle, which is also the nation's favorite main course, and its national religion is Christianism.

Heinz is ranked 9,321^st in the world and 1^st in Europe Fascist for Highest Foreign Aid Spending, scoring 1,894.72 on the Clooney Contribution Index.