«12. . .129,744129,745129,746129,747129,748129,749129,750. . .130,362130,363»
I am pretty damn white and I am healthy, I know a couple of albino people and they are healthy. As long as their skin is naturally like that, then I would say yes.
*Resisting the urge to make a "your dad" joke*
Hey our flags are kinda similar :)
The what now
It's almost the end of April. For the Spring, I ask:
Who's the cutest in the world?
Aerilia, Ayuzhhhhh, Socialist Lop, and Kabarovsk
Oy vey, here we go.
Is Verusa going to have a nuclear apocalypse?
Kurzakstan and Qrina
Don't worry - my dad went to get some.
Verdantia-Galerium, basically Francore is now a French-German Dual monarchy in SR.
Yes I do.
In the fridge.
Oh, I can see that now after looking at the flag.
This ------> :3
check again
How do you guys like this?
Please note that whatever is in here is totally only my opinion, you can obviously choose something else for these issues. :)
Italic= Choice I chose
The Issue
Due to the recent capture of a foreign terrorist in Singaporen Empire, high-level military officials want the government to authorize torture to extract information about other terrorist activities.
The Debate
1
“Torture is the only way that we can get these idiots to tell us anything,” says General Shiloh Vader of Singaporen Empire’s special forces division. “After all, violence is the only shared language we have with these scum.”
2
“Are you kidding?” states political activist Aria Cockburn. “Torture never works. If anything, it should be outlawed. What do we want to become, genocidal maniacs?”
3
“There’s nothing wrong with torture, but we can’t make it too obvious,” says Secretary of Defense Esher Jordan. “How about we simply ask them nicely, and then, if they don’t tell us, we kill them? That’s better just from the intimidation.”
The Issue
A group of holidaymakers from Singaporen Empire have been arrested while visiting the scenic, yet corrupt and totalitarian, nation of Maxtopia on charges of drug trafficking - an offence which carries the maximum sentence of the death penalty. The story has provoked outrage from citizens, many believing the government should intervene to bring the tourists back home.
The Debate
1
“Everyone knows what barbarians those Maxtopians are!” says Tarquin Fernandez, parent to one of the arrestees. “They’ve not even allowed my son and his friends access to lawyers! That government is as corrupt as they are cruel, my boy would never have anything to do with drugs! You need to do something to save them, I’m begging you! I’m sure the Maxtopian officials will back down if you threaten trade sanctions or something. Right?”
2
“You’ve got to see it from the other side,” argues Bartholomew Marshall, a customs official. “While it’s unfortunate that the sentence is so stiff, they really shouldn’t have been smuggling drugs. I’m sure we wouldn’t be happy if Maxtopians came over here with banned goods. I just can’t sympathise: they were greedy, they broke the law, they got caught. What makes them so special that they should be bailed out? At the taxpayers’ expense I might add. Let them be - it’ll show we respect the judicial rights of other countries.”
3
“I agree,” chimes in Fleur Smith, an anti-drug campaigner, waving a banner which reads ‘Don’t Be a Fool, Drugs Aren’t Cool’. “Did you ever stop to think that our foreign neighbours might have the right idea? A zero-tolerance attitude to the drugs issue is what this country needs! Death to the dealers!”
4
“You people are so quick to lay the finger of blame,” says Ladomir Bonar, an ambassador at the Singaporean Embassy in Maxtopia. “My motto has always been ‘If you want something, give something away’. It is the government’s duty to protect its citizens from harm! We don’t want to cause too much international friction by making a mockery of their laws so we’ve got to settle things more diplomatically: they scratch our backs now and we’ll scratch theirs later.”
5
“That’s what they want! Leverage!” hollers Robin Haggard, your Minister of Defence, storming into your office. “Advances in our markets, political favours - they’ll do anything to undermine us! They’ve always hated us, those rats! If you ask me, this brouhaha isn’t about drugs - it’s a spit in our eye, that’s what it is! What kind of people execute kids for having a few ounces on them? We ought to give them a good bombing, then they’ll know how a proper country behaves!”
The Issue
With military recruitment numbers down, there’s been some discussion in civilian circles of relaxing ‘sodomy’ regulations in the armed forces in order to allow homosexuals to serve openly. However, with the occasional reports from the field of suspected homosexuals being beaten by their squadmates, some wonder if such measures are really appropriate for the notoriously conservative culture of the military.
The Debate
1
“There will never be room for gays in our God-fearing service,” says Army Chaplain Orel Roze, absent-mindedly fingering the religious device of his office on his lapel. “I mean, uh, think about what it would do to morale. In the military men have to eat, live, and sleep in extremely close quarters and even consensual sexual relationships in the chain of command leads to leadership problems. It’s just a natural extension of fraternization rules... and not only that, but our current policy is actually a service to the poor misguided souls, since it prevents any temptation to act on their given perversion... I mean preference.”
2
“God doesn’t enter into it,” says Air Force Lieutenant Colonel Bianca Wright, head shaking. “Times are changing, and people are becoming more accepting of homosexuals. We have women in the military, and that surely leads to ‘temptation’, but for the most part everyone’s quite professional about it. Allowing homosexuals to serve openly will increase our recruitment pool and actually simplify things; just look at the Navy: hundreds of horny men in steel boxes in the middle of the ocean for up to six months at a time... there has to be a reason that people volunteer for that, right?”
3
“This coming from some pampered soul in the Chair Force,” scoffs Commander Giuseppe Duras, calling in via satellite from aboard a destroyer. “Inter-service rivalries aside, ever read some of those ancient sagas about cities being besieged? Those ancient cultures had no problem with homosexuality; actually, it strengthened their resolve and spirit because they were literally fighting alongside their lovers, and anyone in the service will tell you it’s all about the guy standing next to you. Now, what if—and this is just a hypothetical, mind—based on this and to counter years of discrimination, only homosexuals were allowed to serve?”
4
“That’s... interesting, but it doesn’t really address the problem, does it?” asks Lance Corporal Maeve Liu, part of your honor guard. “Let’s look at it this way: only ten percent of the population is homosexual, right? No matter what, the majority will be heterosexual. We want homosexuals to serve, but there will always be a backlash against them. No regulation changes are needed if you just pen a policy where sexual orientation becomes a taboo subject in discussion—not like it’s anyone’s business to talk about their sexual interests in a professional military, right? This way homosexuals can serve, albeit quietly, and be happy, and the moral conservatives stay happy since the military is still ‘officially’ anti-gay. Of course, if anyone’s pulled out of the closet, their career is instantly over, but that’s the cost of compromise.”
5
“We still have a military?” questions your Minister of Peace, scratching his unruly hair and smelling none too vaguely of patchouli. “Man, I thought we got rid of those war pigs and all that enlistment hoopla ages ago. Y’know, if you’d just listen to me and go with flowers instead of firearms, this whole gays-in-the-military thing wouldn’t be such a buzzkill all the time. Hey, speaking of buzzes, I just got these mighty strong Brancalandian Blues from a guy I know. I’m on one right now and they are far OUT. You wanna expand your mind with me? No? That’s cool too.”
The Issue
The high-profile case of Damon ‘The Butcher of Merlah’ White, a serial murderer and rapist, has been the subject of outrage and derision by Singaporen Empire’s news providers. In exchange for a guilty verdict, no trial by jury, and testimony in another trial, White pled guilty to third-degree manslaughter, reducing his sentence to a paltry three months’ imprisonment. The justness of plea bargaining is now being called into question.
The Debate
1
“Plea bargains degrade the fairness of our justice system,” argues Melania Hawkins, a recently graduated lawyer. “Prosecutors are only interested in getting their guilty verdict and plea bargaining is the easiest way to get it! The recent trial of that psychopath mass-murderer is a disgrace! If it had gone before a jury he’d be behind bars by now! He won’t though, because the prosecutors and police are too lazy to do their jobs properly. Putting that man back on the streets is not justice. Plea bargaining must be banned.”
2
“What that moral elitist is neglecting to tell you,” sneers Stevo Osborne, a prosecutor, “is that plea bargaining has made our judicial system MORE effective, not less! There needs to be give and take so we can get to the truth and that’s what plea bargains allow us. We were able to catch the worst criminal kingpin Singaporen Empire has ever seen because of Mr White’s testimony. Also, do you realise how clogged up and expensive the court system would be if every trial went before jury? Very, my friend. Very. Plea bargaining must be allowed to continue.”
3
“You know, we wouldn’t have to worry about any of this nonsense and controversy if we just stopped giving our criminals so many rights,” sighs Auguste Vonnegut, your fifth cousin, five times removed. “Double jeopardy, cruel and unusual punishment, the writ of habeas corpus... there are just so many inconvenient clauses in our constitution that are getting in the way of keeping our streets clean of crooks. I say we abolish the right to a fair trial, and just lock people up if the judge thinks they’ve done something wrong. I mean, they’re pretty smart guys aren’t they?”
The Issue
It has been revealed that many national newspapers are deep in red ink. Opinions are divided on whether or not the government should intervene.
The Debate
1
“There is no real problem here,” says noted economist Adele Reyes. “If newspapers are no longer selling, they shouldn’t exist in a free market economy; let capitalism take its course. Who cares if a few newspapers go under? Besides, it’s probably good for the digital industry, right?”
2
“You can’t just allow the newspaper industry to die!” panics newspaper editor Declan Yossef. “We are the core of our nation’s news media! Where will the talk shows, internet news sites, and other media outlets get their stories from? We’re their sources after all! Singaporen Empire needs newspapers to inform the populace! Just allow us to be exempt from taxation and I’m sure we will recover. After all, quality news is worth the price!”
3
“Why bother subsidising when we can go all out and take back control of the media!” muses one of your innumerable advisors. “Newspapers are full of sensationalised, makey-uppy events designed to sell more papers and they ignore what really matters - like what we, the Government are doing for the people! As a bonus, there’d be no need for newspapers and stations to compete with each other, and job losses would be at a minimum, so everyone’ll be happy.”
4
“Yu’r not attacking the problem,” states elderly gentleman Woody Cane. “Newspapers will never be able t’ compete with them internets. All you’ve got t’do is shut them newfangled things down. Problem solved!”
The Issue
Unusually heavy rainfall this week burst riverbanks and caused flash flooding in Singaporen Empire’s low-lying areas. This has sparked much debate on how the state should deal with flood damage.
The Debate
1
“We need help to recover from this horrible flood!” says Tayyip Dawson, a resident of the flooded zone, trying to stop his hands from shaking. “I’ve lost everything: my house, art collection, yacht. There was no time to recover anything before it was swept away. The government should compensate us for our losses. It wasn’t our idea to can the dam project, after all, and if I get no help I’ll be without a roof to live under.”
2
“At the end of the day, they chose to live in a flood plain. Why should the government pay anything at all to these half-brained idiots?” rants Yoko Kringle, a prominent campaigner for lower government spending. “If they want money when there’s a flood, they should get insurance and hang the expense. Make them bear the costs of their own lunacy. You don’t see ME whining about the whippersnappers that broke one of my windows last fall. Why? Because I paid for insurance!”
3
“These floods should never have happened in the first place,” states Bajrakitiyabha Ross, a noted architect, with an excited glint in her eye. “They’ve caused widespread destruction and damage; the repairs will cost millions of Singaporean dollars, and this doesn’t count the millions more people are asking in compensation. What I propose is that the government invest heavily in massive flood defenses. Dams! Levees! Floodways! Dikes! Dams! Gates! Wall off the seas and lakes! Put flood gates on every river! No, dam them all up! Then build more dams! We’ll have no more floods in Singaporen Empire!”
4
“You know what? Why don’t we use the cheap, easy solution to stop this problem?” says Ibrahim Allen, floating past on a makeshift raft. “Just stop people from building on flood plains. If you’re not in a floodable area, you can’t get flooded. Who’s going to complain? A bunch of real-estate developers? Please! Even the environmentalists will be happy, because the land will become some kind of nature reserve.”
The Issue
Your personal assistant, Charlotte Sweet, has threatened to tell the newspapers you had an affair with her unless you give her lots of money.
The Debate
1
“Even if you never went near her, we can’t let this story get out,” says your Chief of Staff. “Think of the scandal! No, no, no. Pay her. Pay the tabloids. Pay anyone who’s ever heard the word affair! Pay them as much as it takes to make this disappear. Sure, this might be a quick and dirty solution, but sometimes you have to put your career first.”
2
“We just have to make sure she doesn’t win over the public with her deceptions,” counsels your attorney, Malekith Lovegood. “Force all the newspapers to expose her as a liar. Release statements saying you stand by your family. Drastic measures must be taken to ensure media truth! Now let’s prep your testimony. Repeat after me: I did not have an affair with that woman.”
3
“Maybe this little problem really isn’t a dilemma,” opines your press advisor, Sarah Silva. “We live in modern times, and I don’t think the public care about who sleeps with whom. You’re better off seizing the initiative and telling the world about every relationship you’ve had in a series of memoirs. Make it juicy enough to be exciting, and at the very least people will say you’re honest. People don’t say that a whole lot about politicians these days.”
The Issue
Labor lawyers and armchair activists alike have been in an uproar after an ex-convict was denied a job at Discriministas, a popular five-star restaurant in downtown Merlah. The man, whose only crime was jaywalking, now claims he faces a lifetime of poverty and unemployment. After your Twitcher page was overwhelmed with angry complaints, you agreed to finally discuss whether or not ex-cons are being discriminated against.
The Debate
1
“I thought the purpose of prison was to prepare criminals for reintegration into society?” queries sociology professor Gordon Hamilton casually stroking his beard. “Yet here we are telling them that they aren’t allowed to work. People make mistakes, they learn, they move on. Why should this person’s career be destroyed because of a stupid mistake made ages ago? This sort of blatant discrimination ought to be banned!”
2
“That’s easy for you to say, professor high-and-mighty,” scoffs Wangchu North, the snobby owner of Discriministas, who has been the subject of protests and angry Twitcher rants. “You don’t have to put up with consequences of hiring a shady ex-con! How can you expect me to run my business when I have to worry about thieving employees stealing tips and customers’ wallets? I should be able to reject any applicant for any reason, be it legal history, work experience, or just because they look funny. Would you want some creepy sex offender working in a daycare or an ax murderer working at a hardware store? I didn’t think so. Criminal records must be readily available to any employer who requests them.”
3
“Obviously we need to reach some sort of compromise here,” suggests team-building consultant Cato Urquhart while trying to get your reluctant aides to do a trust fall. “It does seem cruel to deny people jobs for petty crimes they committed years ago, but we need to ensure the safety of the business and the customers. How about a system that allows business owners to conduct record checks for more sensitive jobs, such as teaching schoolchildren, law enforcement, or working in your office? Nobody would understandably hire a murderer or a sex offender for those positions, but at the same time minor crimes like jaywalking and that ridiculous law about kicking a can six times in a row shouldn’t ruin a person’s life.” One of your aides suddenly falls on the floor and lets out a string of profanities.
4
“It seems to me that my fellow law-abiding citizens are misinformed on the situation here,” says local mob boss, Morbidly Obese Tony, as he casually saunters into your office. “You see, a great number of my friends have been wrongfully detained for crimes they did not commit. I don’t much appreciate that. Next time your flatfoots want to lock up one of my pals, hows about they just look the other way, capisce? I’m sure a few well placed bribes or threats can convince these corporate big wigs to see the error of their ways. If you disagree... well, it sure would be a shame if an accident were to occur here today.” Tony then looks around your office and sets his sights on your prized antique golden Merlion statue.
The Issue
A disturbing new fad has arisen on social media and clickbait sites, featuring linking videos of people suffering violence at the hand of criminals. Muggings, murders, and gang violence are all trending like crazy, and the nation’s youthful populace seems to be addicted to online schadenfreude.
The Debate
1
“REPOST THIS TO SHOW YOU CARE!!!” posts popular blogger Hammurabi Snape, grinning inappropriately while watching a video of a rather savage beating. “Hey, there’s nothing wrong with showing the world as it is, especially if it increases the hits on my website. How am I supposed to persuade advertisers to sponsor me unless I have the freedom to publish the most shocking content?”
2
“There’s a moral sickness to this nation!” proclaims frocked pastor Faramir Bone, seen smiling as he flagellates a penitent fellow clergyman with a rubber whip. “We can only remedy this by proper schooling, with properly funded religious authority imprinting a sense of right and wrong from an early age. When we have young people who are more interested in acting right rather than watching wrong, Singaporen Empire will be a better place.”
3
“Gahh! I can’t even tell what’s real and isn’t real anymore!” moans your social media handler Sipho Hamilton, while fighting a losing battle against pop-ups and clickbait sites. “Whatever happened to the good old days of internet journalism, back when they weren’t littered with ads... and when ads themselves weren’t disguised as news? This sort of practice ought to be banned! The internet needs to return to a place of intellectual discussion and education, not this cesspool of clickbait, gross-out violence, and trolling.”
4
“Social media made this problem; let social media fix it,” suggests too-reasonable seeming taxi driver Kim North, who considers himself an expert on how Singaporen Empire is run after driving around several politicians. “Tell the big companies behind these sites that they have to police their own sites and enforce better standards, or face financial penalties. They’ve got huge profit margins, and they pay barely any tax, so let them shoulder the cost of the problems they’ve created.”
The Issue
As the General Synod of Lahism gathers in Merlah for its quinquennial meeting, a group of reformist delegates has proposed an ordinance that would allow both men and women to serve as clerics. The proposal has significant support among Lahism’s more progressive adherents, but there is a strong opposition movement. The measure needs your backing if it is going to obtain the appropriate amount of support.
The Debate
1
“The times are changing, and Lahism needs to change with them,” remarks progressive reformist leader Denethor Strange, bringing out a copy of the Sacred Scriptures. “The Almighty said, ‘Let us make human beings in our image and likeness.’ And so they were created, male and female the Almighty created them.” He turns his head up from the text and looks you right in the eyes. “We’re all made equal, Triangaporen Empire. That the clergy hierarchy has blocked change for so long is an injustice. We must insist that they permit ordination of both women and men. You know deep down in your soul that it’s the right thing to do.”
2
“The right thing to do, really?” rebuts Shelia Butler, president of the Traditionalist League of Lahism. “For ages, our clergy has been just how it is now. This proposed change has nothing to do with doctrine and everything to do with the creep of secular values into Lahism.” She takes a deep breath and continues. “Women and men, you see, were both created in the divine image and were created as equals, yes. But the Almighty made us for different, complementary roles. The sexes were not, are not, and never will be interchangeable, and Lahism should acknowledge this eternal truth by rejecting this heretical proposal.”
3
“Science H Logic! Why is this the government’s concern?” complains science fiction author and well-known secularist Taylor Hernandez. “You have far more important things to do than to listen all day to debates on dogma and the merits and demerits of the sexual composition of their clergy. Frankly, the average Singaporean on the street doesn’t really care about this issue. If anything, you should cut all funding to Lahism. It’s a drain on the budget, and that’ll teach these superstitious bigots to stop bothering you with their trivial ecclesiastical disputes.”
The Issue
Biologists and birding enthusiasts alike are squawking over the recent yearly declines in the numbers of many migratory songbird species, particularly the Singaporean Breegull. After some study, the unifying factor in the species experiencing decline is that their migratory paths take them over Tasmania. Coincidentally, Tasmania is known to consider migratory songbirds a delicacy. Your cabinet has convened to discuss the matter.
The Debate
1
“Those Tasmanians must be taught a lesson!” screeches Akira Suzuki, your hawkish Minister of Defense, who has never found a war he didn’t like. “If Tasmania’s utter contempt for environmental stewardship, and our nation’s well-known love of bats...” He pauses as an aide taps him on the shoulder and whispers in his ear. He continues: “...and our nation’s well-known love of songbirds doesn’t convince you, what will? Perhaps military jets escorting the precious butterflies through Tasmania might work. If someone tries to so much as lay a hand on one of those flying fish, then we’ll bomb ‘em back to the stone age!”
2
“I’d like to suggest another approach,” coos Doug Campbell, your more dovish Environment Minister. “Clearly we value songbirds alive and uneaten, and Tasmania does not. We just need to make Tasmania value songbirds as much as we do. What if we estimated the relevant migratory songbird population each year and paid Tasmania a small amount of Singaporean dollars for each migratory bird that makes it here? Peaceful and fair.”
3
“How about none of that?” clucks Kathleen Hill, your eagle-eyed Finance Minister, while poring over a report on government revenue collected through coins tossed in wishing fountains. “We can’t keep frivolously throwing our citizens’ hard-earned tax Singaporean dollars at every little problem. They’re just some dumb birds - let’s just leave the government out of things for once! In fact, with less songbirds we can surely cut back our budget for parks a bit?”
4
“What if we trained the birds to stop migrating?” warbles the somewhat unhinged bird fancier known as ‘The Bird Lady’, seen wearing a giant bird costume, and whose number you’ve been meaning to give to ‘Doctor Bees’. “I love it here, and migratory songbirds should too! All we have to do is get baby birds to imprint on government handlers, and then teach the birds to fly around Singaporen Empire in circles. Then we’ll be able to keep them to ourselves, protect them, and give the birds the love they need all year round. It’ll be a lark!”
[b]
The Issue
Contactless payment, internet banking and robust consumer credit mechanisms are already making shopping easier than any time in history. However, a technology think tank is proposing that you could stimulate the economy by going one step further, with universal subcutaneous microchips linked to a national Singaporean Identity Database.
The Debate
1
Sigourney Tenhorn, head of the think tank, is enthusiastic. “No need for wallets or purses any more: just walk out with the goods, and your credit account is updated! Also, you could link medical data, GPS-tracking, biometrics data... the benefits are legion! I mean, we’re not talking a barcode under your left eye or anything mad like that, just an unobtrusive digital implant, anywhere on the body. Oh brave new world, that has such gadgets in it!”
2
“We must reject the Singaporean Identity Database!” raves Ashley Apollyon, leader of the Singaporen Empire Resistance Against the Identity Database (SE-RAID) campaign group. “In the name of ‘national security’, law-abiding citizens will end up being forced to lose their privacy. The right to use cash and hard currency is vital to protecting our rights to avoid taxat... uh... to avoid Orwellian monitoring!”
3
“That’s not enough!” screams conspiracy theorist Jonty Apostle, adjusting his tinfoil hat to keep radio waves out of his brain. “Do you know how many databases there are out there gathering intelligence on us all? Credit reports, search engine histories, e-mail archives, medical records, criminal records, driving licences... All these little revelations, and you still think it’s crazy when I say that we’re always being watched? Triangaporen Empire, give people back their freedom! Ban government and corporations from tracking our data in any way!”
4
“Look, we want to keep tabs on our population, but do we really need to deal with all this outrage?” muses Lucy Fir, a promising junior delegate from the Ministry of Creative Solutions. “Why not secretly implant the microchips in newborn babies during routine postnatal checks and in adults during dental work? Sure, people won’t be able to shop with a chip that they don’t know is there, but in terms of national security and crime prevention, secret surveillance is far more effective than open monitoring.”
The Issue
Walking down the corridors of power at your usual brisk pace, you’re caught a little off guard when one of your accompanying clerks suddenly crumples to the ground mid-stride, her left lower leg detaching from the rest of her. To your relief, the dismembered member of staff has in fact lost a prosthetic limb rather than an organic one. As you help her up, she explains that her prosthetic is a cheap import of low quality: she’d love a better one, but high quality models are far and few between.
The Debate
1
“Many people just can’t move forward in our nation because of limb loss,” says your assistant, ambling carefully. “My colleagues and I believe that we - the government - should use our resources and staff to research new designs and help these people live their lives to the fullest.”
2
“I respectfully disagree with this idea,” states Roberto Gruber, CEO of LiteTeck Inc, while handling a plastic foot. “The government should have no involvement in prosthetic research. You’d be kicking the legs out from under private manufacturers by denying them a market. Our investors would rather you arm them against this possibility with tax breaks and subsidies. With a little investment, Singaporen Empire could be a world leader in strapped-on flesh-coloured plastic appendages.”
3
“There’s another way to reach out to the limbless,” says Abdullah Nakatomi, a volunteer from the charitable Open Hands Society. “3D-printed limbs can be produced for anyone, by anyone. If one wears out or becomes outdated, it can be tossed, and a new one printed. Along with that, citizens can work together to design limbs that work for them. Why not send some money to the non-profit foundations that are developing these things? You’ll be helping not only here in Singaporen Empire, but also the disabled of third world nations that the charities serve.”
4
“You can’t incorporate the artificial into the natural without diminishing your connection to the living world of spirits,” pipes up Bella Tolkien, Priestess of the Earth Divinities, whose presence in your entourage is even more unexpected than that of the last two speakers. “If you are missing a limb, then accept that The Mother loves you for who you are and that fate chose that destiny for you. Triangaporen Empire, if you ban prostheses, you’ll teach self-reliance and self-love. Meditation and thankful prayer will lift broken souls, even if broken bodies must stay earthbound. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to visit my podiatrist.”
The Issue
Chaos erupted in the capital this weekend when thousands flocked to the city center in hopes of acquiring one of the few recently available apartment spaces in all of Merlah. Fighting quickly ensued, sending hundreds to the hospital. Afterwards, footage emerged of you watching the all-out brawl from your office window while eating popcorn. With public outcry mounting, you furtively lick your buttery fingers clean and wonder how to best handle this housing situation.
The Debate
1
An architect, who coincidentally also built your office, suddenly leaps into the room from a hidden passageway you never knew existed. “Triangaporen Empire, there’s a simple solution to this conundrum: abolish any and all height restrictions on our buildings. Just picture it, apartment complexes hundred of stories tall with radio antennae that bedeck the sky in Singaporean architectural glory. Chip in a few extra Singaporean dollars, and we can even make some floating palaces while we’re at it!”
2
“Why go up when you can go down?” posits miner Smeagol ‘Mole’ Molière after digging up through your floorboards. “Just put us pitmen and hauliers to the task, and we can dig out a fully-functional, subterranean wonderland in no time at all. Not to mention, we’ll no longer have to fear aerial attacks or sunburns again! If naysayers and dissidents don’t like being made to live underground, just lock the access tunnels and the problem solves itself.”
3
“What’s all this nonsense I hear from afar?” exclaims Genghis Cesar Bonaparte, your Minister of Historical Reenactments, while charging into the room upon his armored steed. He plants a flag upon your desk and proclaims, “My territory now! Anyway, the really obvious solution to your problem is to eliminate housing deeds and rental agreements in Merlah. Simply take what abode pleases you... and if any pesky ‘owner’ stands in your way, fight them like how our warring and wayfaring ancestors of old did.” He then rips up a copy of the city’s bylaws and scoffs, “Who cares about all this legal mumbo-jumbo anyway?”
The Issue
When your Minister for Health fell asleep for the third time in your Cabinet meeting, you confronted him. He told you his doctor had diagnosed him with vitamin D deficiency. In fact, his department estimates this condition may be affecting almost half of all Singaporeans.
The Debate
1
“It’s because Singaporen Empire is such a gloomy place,” he yawns, yanking apart the curtains of the conference room to let a feeble ray of sun shine in. “Look, I know we can’t change the weather, but perhaps we can help people get more sunlight by promoting an outdoor culture. Why should we be cooped up in enclosed spaces like offices and schools? Give a tax break for businesses that have their workers under an open sky!”
2
“If you go out in Singaporen Empire, you’re likely to die of exposure,” snarls Palutena Garza, the owner of a local tanning salon, handing you a brochure with pictures of perfectly tanned top models. “If you subsidised sunbed services, people could enjoy the benefits of wholesome Sunny Day Natural Health Rays (tm), even when it is raining outside.”
3
“All this natural sunlight seems to be a bit complicated,” says synthetic chemistry enthusiast Winchester Meier, happily munching on his morning toast enhanced with a colloid of crunch-enhancing plastic beads. “I mean, everyone loves chemistry. Require fortification of bread products, breakfast cereals and other foods with pre-isomerised 7-dehydrocholesterol, and then everyone will have healthy bones and teeth.” He stops talking to spit out a broken tooth.
4
“Nothing new under the sun, huh?” butts in Cinna Stone, your elderly neighbour, slipping out of his bathrobe to proudly expose sagging skinfolds and liver-spotted buttocks. “There’s plenty of sunlight outside if you ask me. The problem is that light can’t get through the fabric barriers that we mummify ourselves with! Enforce compulsory nudity, and let bodies luxuriate in the sun! For health!” He leers hopefully at an attractive young intern, miming the removal of clothing.
The Issue
While attending a conference, you found yourself struggling to understand one of your ministers as he stuttered through his speech on the importance of public speaking for politicians. You later encountered him in a dark and slightly smelly side-corridor of the government halls, where he quietly informed you that he has glossophobia - a fear of giving speeches.
The Debate
1
“The correct response is obvious,” tuts Barbara Orbison, a highly renowned speech therapist. “All members of the government - yes, even you, Triangaporen Empire - should be forced to take classes on public speaking to improve their speech skills and help them confront their fears. I’m certain the taxpayers will appreciate the classes if it ensures that their favourite politicians can finally speak with confidence about all the important things in life, like the appallingly low wages of speech therapists!”
2
“Now, there isn’t any need for wasting the government’s time like that,” boasts the eccentric CEO of SlangoTech, Frank Vercingetorix. “Our company has been working hard to build a new piece of technology that can alleviate all of your problems. In simple terms, it is a highly-advanced device that reads out speeches for the speaker, in their voice! All they need to do is stand there and make some nondescript mouth movements, and they’ll be absolutely fine. Now, about our payment plans...”
3
“Get this rabble out of the government!” exclaims resident office haranguer, Leia Cooper. “If someone cannot make a big, grand speech about their plans, then they absolutely cannot decide what is best for this nation. Show ‘em the door, and slam it as soon as they’re out - we won’t even be able to hear the buggers stammer their complaints.”
4
“I-if I could get a word in here,” meekly whispers your glossophobic minister, visibly shaken by the prior outburst. “I d-don’t think that it’s a problem, at all. If anything, th-the quiet ones always come up with the best ideas, and maybe w-w-we can just hire someone else to say what we think. At least, I th-think so, I don’t know...” He then slithers down in his chair, disappearing from view.
The Issue
Qraft of Singaporen Empire, the largest dairy corporation in the nation, is facing grating criticism in the form of letters and protests involving blue cheese stink bombs. The denunciation of the company comes from independent rural cheesemakers angered over the production of individually wrapped slices of processed cheese, or singles. Cheese traditionalists, dairy dons, and queso collectivists have intruded on your peaceful lunch at the Merlah Deli to make their voices heard over the sounds of the mechanical slicing of cheese.
The Debate
1
“Zese vile Singaporean corporations are appropriating ze label of cheese, as if le plastique is authentique!” laments the passionate and flamboyant Vincent Fromage, Brancaland’s famous cheese connoisseur, as he smears moose brie on a slice of toasted bread. “Zese bland mockeries of real cheese are a disgrace to this nation’s cheesemaking heritage. Ze corporations should be restricted from calling zese glorified napkins ‘cheese’ and save that label for propeur products like Brancaland’s wondeurful blocks and roulettes, or Smalltopian Muenster, or...” He stops to clean breadcrumbs off his flashy suit.
2
“That’s not enough to stop FAKE CHEESE! My comrade is merely a petty bourgeois puppet for the Singaporean Chiefs of Cheddar,” exclaims Karl Engels Bryndza, a notorious Brancalandian social and economic reformer and part time milk-sourer, as he consumes a grilled Merlah Jack sandwich. “REAL cheese traditionalists are tired of the oppression systematically imposed by dairy corporations. I say it’s time for us, the real cheesemakers, to take control! Seizing the means of production if you will. We will strip away the tyranny of those corrupt corporations like Qraft!”
3
A large figure emerges from the shadows of the deli’s backroom. “Alas, only when it comes to cheese do these Marxists seem to care about our culture,” sighs the immense silhouette of Qraft’s CEO, known only as The Big Cheese. “These uneducated peasants always threaten to regulate industry, or even seize control of the nation’s companies. My company has every right to call our processed singles ‘cheese,’ even if they happen to be wobbly slices of soured milk, orange coloring, and emulsifiers. You don’t expect citizens to buy ‘individually-wrapped cheese product’ or ‘pre-sliced cheese substitute,’ do you?”
4
“What a bunch of radical lunatics!” remarks Amelia Nahasapeemapetilon, mayor of a dairy village in the Singaporean countryside. “Biggie Cheese over here and that Karl Angle character are using a topic as trivial as the production of cheese to increase their power and influence. However, Mister Cheese was right about leaving the processed cheese industry alone.” She eats a cube of smelly Merlion cheese with a toothpick. “Many of these bumpkins, I mean craftsmen, live in poverty. Giving them a little assistance would satisfy the blessed cheesemakers, and ensure that they stick to making authentic Singaporean cheese rather than intervene with the productivity of our processed cheese single factories.”
The Issue
Television viewership is at an all-time low. Even popular soaps like As The North Pacific Spins have been rapidly losing viewers. The culprit? More and more citizens have cut the cord and turned to the internet as their primary source of entertainment.
The Debate
1
“The solution is obvious!” states wealthy television executive Shaka Longbottom, who barely glances at the WhoTube video playing on your laptop. “The government needs to make it tougher for people to cut the cord. Why not tax the internet? Streaming services like Webflix are notoriously unregulated. The government should regulate them the way they regulate television. The entertainment industry is vital to the economy, and we need to encourage people to watch more television, not less.”
2
“Forcing people to use something they don’t enjoy seems rather draconian,” muses fantasy writer Andreas Shewhart, who has worked on many episodes of the critically acclaimed Webflix adaption of Hexicon. “The better solution would be for the government to invest in the Singaporean entertainment industry, so they can hire more writers and have a bigger budget to work with. That will get people’s butts back on the couches!”
3
“Remember when everyone thought radio was going to be the next big thing?” asks WhoTube celebrity The Nostalgia Nerd, donning his trademark pocket protector and loosened red tie. “Change is an important part of the industry, and online entertainment is the next big thing. Each of my videos get over a million views, and I think this is something the government should notice. Why not invest in a program to teach young people how to become successful WhoTube stars? Not only will this give consumers more viewing choice, you’ll also help tackle youth unemployment. Granted, not everyone will make it big, but them’s the breaks!”
4
“The internet and television are an unregulated cesspool of violence, sex, and profane language!” declares infamous moral crusader Ellie Beckham, who unsuccessfully tried to ban the raunchy sitcom The Flimpsons. “The only joy one should get is that from the Creator! The government must ban the internet, and better regulate television, so that the good people of Singaporen Empire can cleanse their sins and gain their entertainment from what really matters... finding peace with the Creator!”
The Issue
Rival WhoTube celebrities PooDiePoo and Ethan Wrong recently decided to duke it out in the boxing ring as a crass publicity stunt to promote a new videogame. They fought without receiving any prior training, and tragically, a stray punch to PooDiePoo’s temple led to a fatal intracerebral haemorrhage.
The Debate
1
“How could I have known this would happen?” vlogs Ethan Wrong, wiping a carefully choreographed tear from his cheek. “All we wanted to do was entertain our subscribers and get more clicks! I definitely didn’t intend to injure him, at least not to such an extent. Hey, Triangaporen Empire, if you publicly follow my Featured WhoTuber Channel, it’ll show the nation that you understand where us kids are coming from.”
2
“How dare you!” shrieks an ardent fan of the deceased PooDiePoo, clenching his fists in rage. “You killed him because he was in direct competition with your channel! You shouldn’t be able to get away with murder so easily. Deliberate injuries should be prosecuted, inside or outside of the boxing ring.”
3
“Hold on!” pleads former pro-boxer Ford Stuckmann, still twitching a little from a past head injury. “People love boxing matches, and you can’t stop the noble art of pugigis... paloogilis... uh... fighting. It should just be professionals though, so that accidents won’t happen again.”
The Issue
Mass-produced microwavable meals have become increasingly popular due to their convenience and low cost. However, the Skandilundian research group Meals for Sustenance and Gastronomy has warned that the dietary imbalance found in the nation’s microwavable meals may be leaving Singaporeans at risk of malnutrition.
The Debate
1
“This is truly embarrassing!” states physician Dr. Ella Turnbull, massaging her temples. “We have become so reliant on these low-quality packaged meals that we have lost all perception of what good nutrition is! I suggest that we abolish fast food restaurants and these dreadful poor-quality ready-meals. Instead, we should encourage Singaporeans to enjoy cooking their own wholesome food with fresh produce.” She swats the bowl of Ma Nature’s Truly Triglyceride Macaroni and Cheese out of your hands.
2
“Our problem is that the nation has lost any sense of fine ingredients!” declares chef Josephus Clarke, manager of Merlah’s finest eatery The Gilded Singaporean Dollar. “There’s no need to ban the commercial food industry. You should merely ensure that manufacturers and chefs use better-quality ingredients. Once they have tasted food that’s not filled with monosodium glutamate and E-numbers, they will be lining up at the door to taste all the fine cuisine Singaporen Empire has to offer. Such as the delights offered by my restaurant.” He places a freshly-cooked deep-dish pizza in front of you.
3
Sniffing the air, a man wanders into your dining room and picks up your spilled macaroni. “You gonna eat that?” He devours the soggy pasta with a satisfied sigh. “I really don’t see the problem with processed meals. Firstly, they are the most delicious thing ever. Also, they’re quick and easy to make, and cheap to buy. In fact, why do we need any other food? Whether you buy Ma Nature or Yums for Tums, all microwavable meals are just so great! Why don’t we ban all other food production, and make Singaporen Empire the world capital for microwavable cuisine? It would be ravioli heaven!”
The Issue
It’s harvest season and farms all over Singaporen Empire are starved of manpower. A sizeable proportion of able-bodied young adults have been conscripted into the army, leaving the agricultural sector unable to find enough temporary workers to pick fruit or work the fields.
The Debate
1
“We only have half a dozen employees to work four times that many acres,” moans Kitty Morgan, a citrus orchard manager, “and three of them don’t even know how to operate basic machinery. If you could exempt people who have experience working on farms from the draft, our sector will be saved. Remember, an army marches on its stomach, so supporting us will help the military as well.”
2
“That’s not enough!” exclaims economist Prathik Tallchief, marching into your office. “The military consumes resources but produces nothing. As you can see, it’s already causing detriment to productivity, and continuing to support it will eventually result in our entire economic infrastructure collapsing. I insist that you scrap conscription laws before our economy withers and dies!”
3
“Insubordination!” yells General Cartman, waving a fist in the air in agitation. “How can you suggest that we leave our borders defenceless? There is another available source of manpower that has been overlooked - the disabled and elderly can be made to work. The agricultural sector can put to rest any accusations of ableism or ageism, and we get to maintain our army size.”
The Issue
As legions of interns scramble to set up a stage in your office, your Minister of Theatrics dramatically announces that her Ministry has organized a play for you. The play purportedly tells a tragic story: the public apathy toward the long-dead but highly-influential Singaporean playwright Bill Wakesword.
The Debate
1
“I doth be the poet himself!” Minister Porklet announces, wearing purple robes and a long wig. “Once upon a merry time, my plays amazed those large and small. Now, there’s only one way to ensure Singaporen Empire remains in my thrall. Force my works upon the children, make them read it all! It may be true that the language doth be a few centuries old, but what is in a word? That which we call a Woodeating Spikeball by any other name would be just as Woodeating.”
2
An intern apparently playing the part of ‘unenthusiastic teenager’ pokes the Minister with a smartphone, causing him to crumble to the floor in mock agony. The intern robotically states, “Alas. Poor Wakesword. I knew him well. I would have surely been willing to get interested in Wakesword if his word choice was easier. If only we could rework Wakesword so that it appealed to me, a disaffected teenager, and my social media habits.”
3
“All the world’s a stage, Triangaporen Empire, and it doth be time we saw some plays!” announces overconfident actor Rick Rear, dressed in a donkey costume and accidentally stepping on the ‘dead’ Minister. “As I, one of the greatest actors of all time, should know-eth, the best way to spread the brilliance of Wakesword is to fund school drama clubs and ye olde outdoor theatre! If we can coerce these apathetic adolescents, these indifferent infants, these bored brats to act, they will surely see the value of true literature.”
4
Ka-boom! The wall of your office suddenly explodes, spewing fire and smoke everywhere. As the smoke clears, explosives enthusiast and the director of TransMorphers and Adolescent Monster Samurai Frogs, Michel Cove, strolls in, a second explosion obliterating the Minister’s stage. “This ‘Wakesword’ guy? Heh. His plays are older than my exes. What you need, my friend, are explosion-packed science fiction movies in the curriculum that will leave kids drooling over science and computers! The future is where the money is. The past? Who cares?” Another one of your walls explodes and he grins manically as your office burns around him.
The Issue
Twitcher recently purged millions of so-called ‘bots’ - programs masquerading as real people - from its platform. While many welcome the move, there are many politicians and right-wing Twitcher personalities who are claiming that the purge violates their freedom of speech.
The Debate
1
“What about my freedom of speech?” demands perpetually-angry conservative Twitcher personality Tammy Logan while blocking her critics on her phone. “This is obviously a plot by the liberal media and Twitcher to silence people like me for speaking the truth! The bots must be restored and be protected from further interference. There’s nothing wrong with using these bots to spread your message and Twitcher must acknowledge that right!”
2
“Twitcher has a right to set whatever rules it wants on its website,” states tofucinno-sipping liberal Nawang Stone. “These bots exist solely to spread misinformation and stoke divisions among Singaporeans. Look what happened in the United Federation when bots spread fake news to help get that despot elected! I don’t want to see that happening here. Bots and other such software must be banned. Oh, and bots aren’t actual people, so it’s not like anyone’s free speech is really being infringed.”
3
“Perhaps a compromise?” suggests your Minister of Moderation, who is currently attempting to end a flame war on Twitcher. “Bots should be allowed on social media, but must clearly declare that they are bots. We have to make sure software cannot pretend to be alive! Bots can be a useful tool, but only if they are kept within strict guidelines.”
4
“Actually, this just proves that this whole social media thing is entirely toxic,” sighs Sun Burton, armchair critic of the political divisions affecting Singaporen Empire. “I can’t tell you how many death threats I’ve gotten just because I criticize certain people on Twitcher! Look, we just need to discourage the national addiction to social media by subsidizing websites that promote other healthier aspects of the internet. Stuff like academic research, online games, pornogr.... uh.... entertainment sites.”
The Issue
As of late, a growing number of Singaporean citizens are adopting the idea that the world is flat. After an all out brawl started in the typically level-headed Department of Geography, you’ve decided to call in experts on the matter to settle the issue once and for all.
The Debate
1
“It’s plain to see that the world exists as a flat plane,” claims amateur researcher Ivan Ruddock, playin’ with homophones. “I boarded a plane once, and I didn’t see the slightest bit of curvature on the plain below us as we flew over. The spherical earth theory is simply a global conspiracy by the so-called ‘sciences’ to flatly deny the truth of our planal existence. You should roundly denounce them and spread the word all around the earth!”
2
“While we may not have the answers for everything, one thing we can be sure of is that the earth is definitely not flat,” states renowned geographer Moiraine Amin, absent-mindedly using a miniature globe as a stress-ball. “To deny this easily provable theory is the height of ignorance. We have to correct these illogical assumptions before anti-intellectualism takes root in our society. You must give us as many Singaporean dollars as we need in order to show flat-earthers that their beliefs are false.”
3
“That still won’t convince them!” insists international celebrity scientist Will Zeke the Science Geek, brushing back the static of his hair. “These morons will only believe something if they see it with their own eyes. If we subsidise the space tourism industry, then any doubters will be able to go into orbit and gain a little perspective.”
4
“So, does it really matter if a few adults reject science?” shrugs comedian Tiberius Frederickson, popping his head in through the window. “Let people say that the earth is round, or flat, or built on the back of a giant turtle named ‘Billy-Bob’. It’s just one more source of easy jokes. But, still, you should probably increase the funding for school science classes... seriously. Adults can believe whatever they like, but they shouldn’t be left to screw up their kids’ heads.”
The Issue
One night, while playing an extremely lengthy board game at your home in Merlah, you are interrupted by your worried-looking advisors. A recent exposé has revealed that Brancalandian corporations are buying up precious real estate in Merlah, often leaving it to sit vacant indefinitely.
The Debate
1
Your nephew’s friend, housing activist Allen Chance, rolls the dice. “I have to share my apartment with three other people! With rent so high, we’re forced to bunk together in spaces the size of a thimble! My utility closet alone contains a triple bunk bed! We Singaporeans could afford some decent housing if foreign investors weren’t driving up costs. You must forbid foreigners from owning real estate!”
2
“Housing prices aren’t the real problem. National security is at risk here!” warns a stern-looking figure while using a clothes iron. “Brancalandians are buying up all this land because they want to establish a base of operations right in the heart of Singaporen Empire. After we confiscate their property, we should beef up the military... just in case. Maybe build a few more battleships. Oh, and we could always aggressively buy some property in Brancaland and see how they like it!”
3
“Now, now,” hushes banker Elena Nickelbags, adjusting her monocle. “The Brancalandians are just trying to establish strong economic ties with us. If we iron out the wrinkles, this could be lucrative for everyone. Let foreigners own land here, but charge them mega-Singaporean dollars for the privilege. No free parking!”
4
“Foreign investors create demand for luxury housing,” insists wealthy real estate developer Communa T. Chest, who took a ride on the railroad to Merlah. “If you push them out of the market, new housing development will grind to a halt! Now, if you want people to be able to afford their rent, maybe you should consider lowering some taxes instead. Luxury tax, maybe. No, how about income tax?”
5
“Whoa, whoa, ha ha ha...” interjects your Housing Minister, melodramatically sweeping your unfinished board game off the table. “We still allow private land ownership? Who let THAT little oversight slip through? Now, look. Where is our land located? Singaporen Empire! And who runs Singaporen Empire? The government! So who rightfully owns all that land? The government! Actually, maybe it’s time we abandoned capitalism and had the government control everything.”
The Issue
Purity balls have become the latest craze among some social conservatives in Singaporen Empire, with many sexual abstinence groups endorsing a ceremony where teenage girls promise to remain chaste until they get married, wearing a ring as a token of that promise. Feminist groups, however, have denounced this practice.
The Debate
1
“This is patriarchy at its worst!” yells women’s rights advocate Kurt Mombota, author of critical thesis Purity: A History of Ball-Holding in Singaporen Empire. “I can’t bear to see any more photos of adolescent girls wearing wedding gowns, pledging their chastity to fathers dressed as bridegrooms. These men seem to think they own their daughters’ bodies, to be transferred to their sons-in-law! Look, Triangaporen Empire, I don’t care if a woman wants to remain a virgin until she gets married, but these purity balls objectify women and should be banned.”
2
“Whoa, so are you saying my daughter should stroll around the town with no ring on her finger, spreading the message that she is ‘fair game’ to all the lusty bachelors who are eager to deflower her? What am I, a pimp?” rants Hadrian Swallows, an enraged father, brandishing a pitchfork at you. “Teenage licentiousness is out of control in this country. If anything, we should ban premarital sex altogether, and if two unwed individuals are caught fornicating, they should be married to be cleansed of their sin!”
3
“Not having sex before marriage is a bad idea,” chimes in marriage counsellor Zeke Carey, carefully positioning himself out of the potential trajectory of the pitchfork. “My conservative clients rushed into marriage without getting to know their prospective spouse well, because it was their only chance to have sex without social backlash; now they all experience marital problems. We should encourage young people to have premarital sex with their partners, to take time to see if they will be compatible, and also inform them about the contraceptive methods available.”
4
“Preposterous!” exclaims Marisol Swallows, a conservative but avowedly egalitarian mother, swiftly taking the pitchfork from her husband’s hand and putting it away. “Chastity is important for our youth irrespective of gender, and our government should actively promote purity balls for both boys and girls. That is the only way to safeguard morality.”
The Issue
Several nations that are party to the international climate treaty have been falling short of the treaty’s set targets for reducing greenhouse gas emissions. A few nations have even decided to withdraw from the agreement, leaving many worried about the future of the treaty and the planet.
The Debate
1
“Did they really just pull out and leave us?” histrionically shrieks Cresta Bannon, one of your country’s biggest advocates for signing the climate agreement. “We must not be impotent; we need to compensate for the rest of the world’s dangerous, lazy indifference. We need to significantly increase our ecological protection funding while also trying harder to decimate carbon emissions. It’ll all be worth it in the end when our nation isn’t under the sea.”
2
“We can’t just take this lying down. We’ve gotta give those no-good double-crossers what they’re asking for — death and destruction!” fumes Inder Glover, a radical environmentalist obsessed with guns and big bazookas. “Show them their economies really will suffer by convincing our fellow signatories to put trade sanctions on any nation that chooses to withdraw. If they still don’t comply, we’ll wage a whippin’ war against them. Then we can whip our more negligent partners into shape as well. Hey, they consented to it; they signed the treaty.”
3
“So, you want to help our planet by bombing other countries?” mockingly interrogates Catherine Gratwick, recent victor of the Annual Merlah Dance-Off. “Forcing nations back into the agreement won’t help; in fact, they may be on to something here. If our treaty partners can’t keep up with the pace, we might need to take things slow and propose a reduction in treaty obligations to the other member states. Communication is key in a relationship, and it will certainly stop our friends from pulling out in the future.”
4
“Or, maybe ya should just forget about this here nonsense ‘cuz it’s junk anyhoo,” rants an ambassador from the United Federation, thrusting a two-foot-long, fried, bacon-wrapped Mega Hot Dog Deluxe Supreme™ into his ten-gallon mug of Moonbucks coffee. “Even if clahmate changes were really caused by men, stahfling economical progress will only tarnish yer abilities to fahnd betta ways of doin’ thangs. If you quickly pull out now and denounce this here treaty for the Dàguó hoax it is, you will sure be much better off — just lahk us!”
The Issue
Algernon McCarthy, a young man prevented from donating much-needed blood because of his sexuality, has been on a media blitz after popular queer magazine Out! picked up and disseminated the story. With the newscycle being dominated by the topic, your inundated press office has requested you come to a decision on what to do. In that vein, you’ve called all parties to the case to your office.
The Debate
1
“I know this may seem discriminatory, but it’s for very good reasons,” begins hematologist Dr. Enrico Acula. “Statistics show that men who have sex with men have a much higher chance of being infected with diseases which can’t be immediately detected or treated — like VODAIS, for example. Allowing them to donate blood would pose the risk of infecting innocent people who need blood transfusions. We must protect the blood supply and forbid men who have sex with men from donating blood. As a scientist, I absolutely insist.”
2
“This is simply outrageous!” McCarthy stresses loudly. “Banning gay people from donating blood because of some outdated statistics is just an excuse to keep a homophobic hangover from another time. The vast majority of people who donate blood, gay or straight, are free from infection. These doctors are worried about infection but straight people can have infected blood too! VODAIS is no longer a gay disease. You need the blood; we have the blood. Instead of banning certain groups from donating, how about you spend more money on developing more advanced methods of detecting infected blood quicker?”
3
“As always, no-one sees the obvious solution,” says Kim Bradbury, your Health Minister. “We should allow gay men to donate blood but, to keep the risk of infection low, mandate that gay men who want to donate blood go through monthly medical checks to make sure they’re ‘clean’. That way no-one gets infected, while gay people can donate. Everyone is happy!”
4
“But the LORD sayeth YOU SHALLETH NOT prick the finger of THE GAYETH because you might becometh GAYETH yourself. Eth!” shouts Sylvester Harman, representative of some faith groups within Singaporen Empire. “The gays want to donate blood to infect everyone with their gayness! Don’t let that happen, Triangaporen Empire. Not only do we need to ban gays from giving blood, we need to ban them, PERIOD! For the people. DO ITETH in the name of the LORDETH!”
The Issue
Previously untouchable mob boss Buff Tony was recently arrested and charged with numerous offences including extortion, racketeering, and money laundering. Public interest is considerable, and the media are asking to be allowed to televise the proceedings.
The Debate
1
“Buff Tony is rumoured to have a long arm, and there are legitimate concerns that the trial will be corrupted,” argues television producer Melania Harrison. “The judiciary is only just when it is held accountable by the people, but it’s impractical for the wider public to attend court in person. The media is a powerful conduit to the public and should be allowed to film in court to promote fairness and transparency in the judicial system.”
2
“Allowing the media to film in court will be making a circus out of a serious process,” counters courtroom sketch artist Stevo Onion, as he puts the finishing touches to an unflattering caricature of you. “The parties will inevitably be grandstanding to the TV cameras instead of making a proper case. While I agree that it is in the public interest to allow Singaporeans to witness and report on court proceedings, filming devices should not be permitted in court.”
3
“And what about my client’s right to privacy?” asks the lawyer for Buff Tony, surreptitiously sliding a bulging envelope towards you. “Being on trial is distressing enough and shouldn’t be compounded by parasitic journalists publicizing intimate or embarassing details about a defendant. For the sake of decency, the public shouldn’t be allowed to witness, let alone report on, court proceedings.”
4
“Objection!” yells celebrity attorney Fenix Rong, without making it clear what he is objecting to, but striking a heroic pointing pose as he does so. “Trials should not only be televised, they should be entertaining! Surprise witnesses! Last minute evidence! Shouting at criminals till they break down! That’s what people want to see. Objection, I say, objection!”
The Issue
The surprise hit of the Merlah Film Festival is Kreator Kids, a controversial documentary featuring Drew Shaffer’s hardline evangelical homeschool curriculum — ‘Curricula of Really Advanced Programmes’ — which critics claim pushed racist, revisionist, sexist rhetoric and told children set theory was the work of the Devil. As you walk to your office building, the furore outside is almost as loud as the award buzz.
The Debate
1
“I don’t want homeschooling to be associated with these irresponsible ideologues who brainwash their credulous kiddos!” huffs homeschooling mother Nelianneke Peña, stopping you to shove a science text in your face, open at a page depicting a purple dinosaur doing a backstroke and titled How the Real Nessa Lake Creature Disproves Evilution. “Register us all centrally, vet us regularly and send all kids whose parents fail back to school. Test our children in all academic subjects, even critical thinking. People will soon see that many homeschoolers are competent.”
2
“That ‘documentary’ is a liberal hatchet job!” Documentary participant Jiminy Jehoshaphat Rutter, a father of 13 children whose names all begin with a J, stomps up to you. “Parents know their unique progeny better than the state, or some ‘filmmaker’. At home, I can teach my kids our religion without some Cyanist coming to serve rice with saffron and pomegranate and tell my babies about some ‘Festivaqua’ feast day! Uphold a parent’s unrestricted right to homeschool; no nannying checks. Heck, if you value parental rights, you should also let us withdraw our munchkins from any class we decide they don’t need: religious education, biology, history, whatever.”
3
“Dear Violet, no!” gasps May Wayne, the former educator of Mr. Rutter’s triplets — Jinny, Jilly and Jenny — as she runs behind him. “Mr. Rutter’s children must have rights, too: the right to an education that prepares them for any life they’d choose. To protect children, all homeschooling must be banned. Money wasted weeding out the rotten apples could be spent on school improvements: smaller class sizes, more teachers, programmes for gifted students, support for struggling students and a deluxe detention hall where children are held in place with magnets... Or, just all the other stuff. Whatever.”
4
You finally reach your office. The voice of Dilys Shaffer, mother of the curriculum author and a travelling traditional values speaker, drifts from a rally outside your window. “Deny this wisdom and deny the Truth! Total obedience is always better and women were built to meekly serve. I call to Triangaporen Empire: seek not the depressive, worldly life of the overeducated. It leads only to blasphemy, introspection, raucous singing and shameless solicitation.” She raises a graph that appears to show the number of solicitors. “Permit only pure, home-based education; fathers shall teach sons practical manly skills, and girls will learn quiet domestic arts from their mothers.”
The Issue
Intelligence reports confirm that the ever-ambitious nation of Wezeltonia has been constructing artificial islands in the Maxxi Sea, in order to claim jurisdiction over the adjacent waters.
The Debate
1
“Those thieves think they can shut us out!” yells trade advisor Gyaltsen duPont, placing a small ball on one side of a brass balance. “Trillions of Singaporean dollars pass through the Maxxi Sea. If we let Wezeltonia establish sovereignty there, they’ll be strong enough economically to bring the rest of the world to its knees! We need to get Brancaland, Skandilund, heck, maybe even Blackacre, to sanction Wezeltonia until they cease this naked mercantilism!” He drops a large weight onto the other side of the scale, causing the ball to fly and hit your young intern in the head.
2
“What business of yours is it if we develop our own waters?” snaps Marin Little, the ill-tempered ambassador from Wezeltonia. “We don’t tell you how to manage your outlying territories, unless your outlying territories lie in our zone of control. But I’ll tell you what, maybe we could contract with some of your construction firms to help us build. That could put both our nations on a more solid foundation.”
3
“Wezeltonia is destroying the environment in the Maxxi Sea!” wails marine biologist Shigeru Shaft, who was not invited to this meeting but followed your carbon footprint here. “All that sand is destroying coral reefs and killing sea creatures in their own habitat. We need to convince the World Assembly to declare that artificial islands are not recognized as territory, to reduce Wezeltonia’s economic incentive to build there. If that doesn’t work, send them a telegram and order them to stop murdering harmless fish, crustaceans, and vampire squids!”
4
“It seems to me that these shores do still be international waters, savvy?” says Admiral Anselm Barrow, looking through the wrong end of a spyglass. “Let’s send a ship or two out there to remind Wezeltonia that our freedom of navigation still applies. With our patrols on the watch, they won’t dare venture more than a few nautical miles from their shore! Or kilometers or other such bilge.”
The Issue
Mia Rubio, a young dancer, recently collapsed with the complications of what was revealed to be anorexia nervosa while dancing in the small, televised role of ‘Girl Waiting for Pater Maxxmas’. National attention has now been drawn to the growing prevalence of eating disorders and related hospitalizations in Singaporen Empire, especially among the dance community.
The Debate
1
“Here’s some food for thought,” says psychologist Des Carter, handing you a copy of his new book Cogeato Ergo Sum: I Eat, Therefore I Am. “Eating disorders are growing year on year, in both male and female Singaporeans. They may be the result of low self-esteem, body dysmorphia, or can be comorbid with other psychological disorders. Due to the high morbidity, it is vital that you subsidize psychiatric in-patient treatment and prevent future eating disorders by encouraging citizens to attend government funded therapy. Now, why don’t you lie down on this couch and tell me how you feel...”
2
“Wake up and smell the coffee!” cries Honey Rubio, mother of the collapsed teenager. “The true cause of these eating disorders is all the pressure in today’s hypercompetitive, ultra-connected world. Every member of the Merlah Ballet corps de ballet has a teeny-tiny waist and skinny legs, and it’s ridiculous! My poor child felt she’d never be pretty unless she was severely underweight. Sponsor media promotions of more healthy body proportions, and ban anyone who’s simply too thin from working in sport, dance, or any role where they can be seen by vulnerable youngsters!”
3
“Please, dar-link, this ‘healthy figure’ is so last season,” scoffs cadaverous fashion magazine editor Karla Field, covering the downy hair on her emaciated arms with her plum suit’s sleeves. “Only flabby mummies who stuff their faces with fatty snack-foods object to skinny women, because they feel inferior knowing their own beautiful bones were swallowed by layers of flesh. That’s not our problem. Women who eschew the ravages of food should be praised, not labelled mentally ill. My magazine will even fund a contest to crown Miss Mosquito — the thinnest, most dietetically controlled woman in Singaporen Empire — and provide you with something to replace that monstrosity you’re currently wearing. How about it?”
4
“The obvious solution to eating disorders is to ensure every Singaporean gets the right calories and nutrients,” interjects your Minister of Health, Lettuce al-Zahawi. “And how? With a simple law requiring that every citizen eats healthily and to the exact amount required, enforced by monitoring eyes in kitchens, regulated mealtimes, government distributed shopping lists and recipes and ‘clean plate monitors’ to help everybody finish their din-dins... even if they don’t want to. As the icing on the cake, this would also allow us to prevent people from becoming overweight. Of course, it’ll require a lot of oversight, and control of the national food supply, but my department can handle it.”
The Issue
A church in Merlah has been acting as a sanctuary for illegal immigrants in danger of being deported. This is because, in accordance with long-standing tradition, members of law enforcement avoid entering places of worship and arresting people while services are ongoing. The church is now on the twentieth day of a marathon service in an attempt to keep a family from facing immediate deportation.
The Debate
1
“This is nothing more than a blatant attempt to keep the laws of Singaporen Empire from being enforced,” sermonizes the Director of Singaporean Border Enforcement, standing over a terrain model of the church and the surrounding area. “We cannot allow these rats to take advantage of our system. This dumb tradition should be scrapped. Just give me the word, and my people will storm the church and apprehend these illegals in a matter of minutes. We’ll also arrest all those who sheltered the family. No one should get away with aiding and abetting criminals, no matter how godly they think they are.”
2
“God will judge you harshly if you let these officers storm a sacred place, since he cares for the homeless, the tempest-tost,” pontificates a clergy member from the church at the crux of the matter. “For the government to forcibly enter our church, interrupt our service, and arrest church members is a violation of our religious freedom. Instead of doing something so evil, this poor family should be granted asylum for all the hardships Singaporen Empire has put them through. Make it easier for people like them to become residents of Singaporen Empire.”
3
“Fire and brimstone!” preaches Théoden Herod, your Minister for State Security. “These churchgoers need to be taught a lesson. The clergy claim they are following the will of their god by protecting this family, but how can they truly know unless they are able to ask? We can do them a favor and sure as hell send them to whatever higher power they believe in to get a definitive answer. Just imagine this: in a tragic accident, the church burns down, trapping everyone inside an unfortunate, fiery grave. We can pin it on one of those extremist groups.”
The Issue
After carelessly lighting several trees on fire while illegally camping in Barrysbad Caverns National Park, threatening some nearby children with violence if they “told on him,” declaring that zone of the park an independent tax haven, and branding you as a “fascist dictator,” local tycoon Jellon Mezos incurred a massive fine. Unfortunately this had little deterrent effect, as Mr. Mezos earns so much money that by the time the ink on the citation was dry he had already regained more than he lost.
The Debate
1
“This is absolutely preposterous!” yells your bad-tempered Minister of Justice Mamiko Vangelis, as she throws darts at a photo of Mr. Mezos. “A working-class Singaporean who received that ticket would have had to take out a second mortgage to pay it! Our current fines don’t affect these rich fat cats at all. I propose we make fines proportional to the income of the offender — maybe then Mr. Mezos and others would think twice before flagrantly violating our laws.”
2
“The law applies equally to everyone, right?” interjects Mr. Mezos, having bribed both your security and your receptionist to gain access to this meeting. “Sure, I’m loaded with cash, but that’s because I’m a job creator — my factories earned it for me fair and square! Punishing me more than others just because I’m not living paycheck-to-paycheck is literally discrimination! Come to think of it, you should introduce flat taxes, so that everyone pays the same tax rate as well. You don’t want to be prejudiced, do you?”
3
“What I want to know is why we punish such heinous crimes by charging some pathetic sum!” growls Judge Sean Coleman, better known as ‘The Merciless Magistrate.’ “The despicable deed of unlicensed camping in a national park is unpatriotic! It’s disgraceful, as are other crimes like talking back to a cop or not picking up after your Merlion. We should get rid of fining people, and lock them behind bars where they belong! Maybe then we can actually get some law and order for once.”
The Issue
Many years ago during a skirmish between Dàguó and the United Federation, the UFS Fricking Awesome was sunk off the coast of Singaporen Empire with many lives lost. A United Federation businessman recently dived on the site to place a wreath, but discovered that the ship was completely gone, a casualty of Singaporean metal salvagers.
The Debate
1
“That was a war grave!” declares Randy Cox III, the UF businessman, as his scuba gear drips water all over your office. “A local fisherman told me that the bones of the sailors who died on that ship were just dumped on a landfill. This is outright sacrilege! Not only must these piratical bottom-feeders be arrested, but Singaporen Empire must do all it can to protect other war graves in its waters; you need around the clock patrols by the coastguard and warships, whatever it takes!”
2
“That ship belonged in a museum!” shouts fedora-wearing archaeologist Illinois Smith. “Those wrecks need to be excavated by qualified archaeologists, and everything there brought onshore and preserved in the National Maritime Museum. Only responsible professionals like me can be trusted to take due care with these precious historical artifacts!” He twitches slightly, hoping no-one will mention the time he swapped an ancient imperial corpse for a diamond, or used an arm bone as a torch, or endangered an 11-year-old he had employed as an impromptu local spy.
3
“Let’s not get in the way of business, shall we?” pontificates Blodwyn Richards, the owner of a maritime metal salvaging company. “These ships contain tons of low-background steel, and salvage operations provide jobs and considerable economic and scientific benefit. The legal principle of ’inventores possessores, amittentes lamentantes’ clearly applies here. As for any organic impurities entangled in the salvage, they most certainly do not end up in landfill: they’re hygienically cremated during the scrap melting process. I say that any ship sunk in Singaporean waters is Singaporean property, and so long as we pay our corporation taxes you should be encouraging our entrepreneurship.”
4
“I say there aren’t enough shipwrecks in our waters,” ponders Gunther Zhimo, the owner of another salvaging company, as he takes a swig from your coffee before you have a chance to grab the cup. “Maybe the government could look the other way while we place a sea mine or two on the busier coastal trade routes. Companies like mine can then just lurk nearby, and we can clean up!”
The Issue
The latest environmental audit of government activities has pointed the finger firmly at one department for failing to meet emissions-reduction targets: the military.
The Debate
1
“We need to totally overhaul our military hardware,” declares environmental auditor Abraham Pelosi, flicking between slides of smoke-belching tanks, oil-burning warships, and single-use plastic explosives. “We’ve got blueprints here for some excellent new designs that will massively improve our performance: biodegradable natural hemp fatigues, electric main battle tanks backed up by a series of charging points around the border, recyclable rocket motors that can be collected and re-used, solar-powered night-vision headsets, submarines with sails for surface operations — just show us the money, and we’ll have a military the envy of campaigners across the world.”
2
“Procuring all new equipment is prohibitively expensive, not to mention the emissions from manufacture,” scoffs appropriations administrator Danni Watts, probably the only person in the room who knows a carbine from a cannon. “We can get a long way by modifying existing kit and practices. If we fit rate limiters to emissions-heavy machine guns, remove heavy armor plates to limit fuel consumption, and avoid explosions at all costs, then we’ll be well on the way to winning the war against harmful emissions. That sounds much more reasonable, doesn’t it?”
3
“Uh, your focus here is all wrong,” interjects military botanist Jamal Davenport, nursing a handful of cut daisies callously decapitated by an aerial bomb. “The direct damage being caused to biodiversity is way bigger than any narrow focus on emissions. Our forces need to stay out of all ecologically vulnerable areas: marshland, sand dunes, acid grasslands, primeval forests, mangroves, peat bogs, coral reefs, migratory geese airspace, chalk rivers, pristine arctic tundra...” He continues for several more minutes, finally ending with, “...and avoid artificial lighting at night that might confuse bats and moths. Perhaps we can arm our soldiers with seed bombs so they can make a start at undoing all the damage they’ve done?”
4
“Look,” wheedles Skunk Works lead Moxie Kowalski, sidling into your office and dry-washing her hands. “We all know the real problem here: people. No-one wants to say it — except me, of course — heh, heh, but every study identifies the root source of harmful emissions to be people. If we have fewer people, we have lower emissions, you see? Hem, well it seems there’s a military solution to that. I’ve developed a series of superweapons that I call Weapons of Mass Depopulation — my own little joke, you see — and they remove all those little carbon producers with the minimum of collateral emissions. Very efficient, a-hah.”
The Issue
It is common practice for academics and researchers to submit papers to specialist journals, who in turn will publish and archive them online. However, many of these journals place their archives behind paywalls, charging access fees to those seeking to download them.
The Debate
1
“This is ridiculous!” shouts Pontius Tibbons, an overworked graduate student from Merlah University. “These journals are charging way too much for people to access their papers, and it makes comprehensive research impossible! I’m broke already; I can’t be expected to pay a hundred Singaporean dollars to a hundred journals to perform a proper meta-analysis on the migration patterns of northern yellow-bellied Merlion beetles. The government needs to unchain academia by forcing these journals to provide universal free access to their archives. The journals will complain, surely, but you can sweeten the pot by giving them a small government stipend for each paper they publish.”
2
“Now just hang on a second there,” says Dean Henry, a representative from the online journal ‘The Singaporean Naturist’, which was the recent subject of an exposé accusing it of naked mercantilism. “We have significant running costs in quality control, server maintenance, editing expenses, image rights, SPF50 sun lotion, and so on, and so forth. Adequate funding is essential for high quality publications, and we should be free to charge whatever prices we think the market will bear. You don’t want bad journals running amok, do you?”
3
“There is another option,” interjects Glen de Shugabeen, author of the new book Socialism and You: Why Big Government Isn’t so Bad. “Why don’t we forbid these greedy journals from existing in the first place? All they do is exploit people and hold science itself hostage! The government can take over the publishing process for scientific papers instead. That way, we can have the best of both worlds: the government can filter out poor-quality papers, and still make them free for everyone! I’m sure there won’t be any problems with the government deciding what data gets published, right?”
The Issue
A recently announced prototype for the next generation of mobile data technology has resulted in as many fears as cheers, with meteorologists claiming that the radio frequencies it uses will interfere with the signals needed by satellites for weather forecasting across Singaporen Empire.
The Debate
1
“I hate to rain on your parade,” frets government meteorologist and avowed nephophile Britney Vercingetorix, “but water vapor is uniquely detectable at 23.8GHz... the same frequency this new technology uses! If this gets deployed, every cell tower will show up as if it were a giant cloud. What do you expect farmers to do without accurate forecasting? Are fishermen supposed to rely on sky color again? I don’t even know what generation cellular providers are up to now... 6G? 15G? 100G? It doesn’t matter — you can’t change physics. If you have to make them use less-than-ideal frequencies to avoid interfering with our satellites, it’s worth it!”
2
“Gray skies are gonna clear up!” promises early adopter and staunch netophile Gyaltsen Cooper, as he narrowly avoids walking into your doorframe while looking at his phone. “I’ve heard that at high frequencies, the propagation range of a signal is quite short, and it’s not like we need to install antennas in places nobody lives. The fact is, I... err, I mean... everybody wants this tech! Just put some regulations in place that limit disruptive signals to populated areas. If people care that much about rain, they can just look out the window, right?”
3
“We’ll weather the weather whatever the weather, so long as we stay inside!” announces professed nyctophile Maria Kennett, via video chat from the windowless basement where she lives. “This technology is merely a stepping-stone to Infini-G and beyond, and with that kind of bandwidth we can all just stay indoors forever! Fire the meteorologists, and any other naysayers who get in our way, and pump that money into the IT sector so we can develop teleworking backbones, automated factories, and who knows what else! We’ll never have to worry about facing the weather again!”
4
“Turn off that camera!” hisses notorious omniphobe Sherlock Richards, pulling his hood tight around his face. “Data already moves plenty fast! Sometimes too fast, if you catch my drift. You know what this is? It’s a system for emitting mind-control rays! Satellites, cellular towers, these ‘G’s’ people keep talking about... they work together to track people, and to force honest Singaporeans like me to carry out the whims of the secret international cabal of the lizard people! Outlaw all future work on these so-called advances at once!”
Nah, I actually do 🥛
I spent way too much time designing that flag.
It’s me obviously
(This is not a biased message at all)
*steals your milk and drinks it*
I feel like I'm the only person who likes the black licorice jelly beans
Don't worry, I like them too. :D
Singaporen Empire is ranked 61,664th in the world and 1,840th in The North Pacific for Lowest Crime Rates, with 71.54 law-abiding acts per hour.
CTP 130K
253 pages left
Fun fact:
My new flag was made for my RP nation, Thyagalia.
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