The Colony of Heofonfyreard is a colossal, orderly nation, ruled by Æthelthryth with an iron fist, and remarkable for its strictly enforced bedtime, compulsory military service, and zero percent divorce rate. The hard-nosed, cynical, humorless population of 8.727 billion AEthelberhteardians are ruled without fear or favor by a psychotic dictator, who outlaws just about everything and refers to the populace as "my little playthings."

The medium-sized, corrupt, moralistic, well-organized government juggles the competing demands of Defense, Law & Order, and Education. It meets to discuss matters of state in the capital city of Gleawecastre. The average income tax rate is 53.8%, and even higher for the wealthy.

The powerhouse Heofonfyreardian economy, worth a remarkable 1,453 trillion Æthelberhteard Thrymsas a year, is driven entirely by a combination of government and state-owned industry, with private enterprise illegal. However, for those in the know, there is an enormous, deeply entrenched, broadly diversified black market in Arms Manufacturing, Uranium Mining, Beef-Based Agriculture, and Information Technology. The private sector mostly consists of enterprising ten-year-olds selling lemonade on the sidewalk, but the government is looking at stamping this out. Average income is an impressive 166,516 Æthelberhteard Thrymsas, and evenly distributed, with the richest citizens earning only 2.5 times as much as the poorest.

The nation has learned that pulling out is messy, the country's famous rainforests are being bulldozed by the mining industry, the rich tend their gardens inside gated urban farming communities, and pet owners want to know why their animals keep smiling at them. Crime, especially youth-related, is totally unknown, thanks to a well-funded police force and progressive social policies in education and welfare. Heofonfyreard's national animal is the Lion, which teeters on the brink of extinction due to widespread deforestation, and its national religion is Agnosticism.

Heofonfyreard is ranked 289,113^th in the world and 7^th in Goawayitsallmine for Nicest Citizens, with 0.23 average smiles per day.