The United States of Weitzel is a behemoth, efficient nation, ruled by Der Kommissar with an even hand, and remarkable for its rum-swilling pirates, deadly medical pandemics, and infamous sell-swords. The hard-nosed, hard-working, devout population of 51.249 billion Weitzelese have some civil rights, but not too many, enjoy the freedom to spend their money however they like, to a point, and take part in free and open elections, although not too often.

The relatively small government prioritizes Defense, with Industry, Education, and Administration also on the agenda, while Social Policy and International Aid are ignored. It meets to discuss matters of state in the capital city of Smallville. The average income tax rate is 27.5%, but much higher for the wealthy.

The frighteningly efficient Weitzelian economy, worth an astonishing 12,528 trillion Smelly Farts a year, is broadly diversified and led by the Arms Manufacturing industry, with major contributions from Information Technology, Book Publishing, and Retail. Black market activity is notable. Average income is an amazing 244,464 Smelly Farts, and evenly distributed, with the richest citizens earning only 2.6 times as much as the poorest.

Gaping tourists take long-distance photos of diseased natives on "indigenous peoples" safari tours, houses and businesses are bulldozed to make way for ever-expanding cemeteries, billions of Smelly Farts are being blown on orbital weapons development, and children must make a homemade spinach and ricotta rotolo by high school or be held back. Crime, especially youth-related, is pervasive, perhaps because of the country's complete lack of prisons. Weitzel's national animal is the duckbilled platypus, which is also the nation's favorite main course.

Weitzel is ranked 303,308^th in the world and 1^st in EWU for Safest, scoring 14.47 on the Bubble-Rapp Safety Rating.