The Ordained Kingdom of Firsonia is a colossal, environmentally stunning nation, ruled by King Vasimir Rurikov with an iron fist, and remarkable for its pith helmet sales, aversion to nipples, and avowedly heterosexual populace. The hard-nosed, hard-working, cynical, devout population of 4.14 billion Firsonians are kept under strict control by the oppressive government, which measures its success by the nation's GDP and refers to individual citizens as "human resources."

The relatively small, corrupt, moralistic government prioritizes Defense, with Education, Industry, and Administration also on the agenda, while Welfare and Social Policy aren't funded at all. It meets to discuss matters of state in the capital city of Kirovda Castle. The average income tax rate is 17.4%.

The all-consuming Firsonian economy, worth 460 trillion Reichsmarks a year, is fairly diversified and led by the Tourism industry, with significant contributions from Beef-Based Agriculture, Arms Manufacturing, and Woodchip Exports. Black market activity is notable. State-owned companies are reasonably common. Average income is an impressive 111,265 Reichsmarks, and evenly distributed, with the richest citizens earning only 4.9 times as much as the poorest.

Crossword puzzles have been co-opted as a symbol of racial discrimination, blackface performers claim they are being deliberately ironic, government policy is dictated by Northolicism, and hot dogs have been renamed lukewarm pigs. Crime, especially youth-related, is totally unknown, despite the fact that it is difficult to make it through a day without breaking one of the country's many laws. Firsonia's national animal is the Drake, which is also the nation's favorite main course, and its national religion is Northolicism.

Firsonia is ranked 96,449^th in the world and 41^st in The Hole To Hide In for Most Eco-Friendly Governments, scoring 976.25 on the Dolphin Recycling Awareness Index.