The Lotionese Empire of Lotion Empire is a colossal, orderly nation, ruled by Lubey II Privykia with an iron fist, and notable for its otherworldly petting zoo, complete lack of prisons, and stringent health and safety legislation. The hard-nosed, hard-working, cynical, humorless population of 8.401 billion Lotionese are kept under strict control by the oppressive government, which measures its success by the nation's GDP and refers to individual citizens as "human resources."

The enormous, corrupt, well-organized government is effectively ruled by the Department of Defense, although Industry and Law & Order are also considered important, while International Aid and Environment receive no funds. It meets to discuss matters of state in the capital city of Petrograd. The average income tax rate is 99.1%.

The frighteningly efficient Lotionese economy, worth a remarkable 2,697 trillion Ludons a year, is highly specialized and mostly comprised of black market activity, especially in Arms Manufacturing and Uranium Mining. State-owned companies are reasonably common. Average income is an amazing 321,042 Ludons, but there is a large disparity between incomes, with the richest 10% of citizens earning 1,251,130 per year while the poor average 56,257, a ratio of 22.2 to 1.

Coastal cities are being moved a dozen miles inland to reduce flooding risk, the nation's "surprisingly chill" military is renowned for its horrendous war crimes, requests to "pass the salt" are supported by tank divisions, and birds and children's kites are regularly brought down by anti-aircraft fire. Crime, especially youth-related, is totally unknown, thanks to a very well-funded police force and progressive social policies in education and welfare. Lotion Empire's national animal is the Black Eagle, which teeters on the brink of extinction due to toxic air pollution, and its national religion is Orthodox.

Lotion Empire is ranked 609^th in the world and 21^st in The North Pacific for Most Corrupt Governments, with 595.26 kickbacks per hour.