The Armed Republic of Schmidtville is a colossal, safe nation, ruled by Schmidt with an iron fist, and renowned for its frequent executions, avowedly heterosexual populace, and devotion to social welfare. The hard-nosed, cynical population of 3.765 billion Schmidts are kept under strict control by the oppressive government, which measures its success by the nation's GDP and refers to individual citizens as "human resources."

The medium-sized, corrupt, moralistic, well-organized government juggles the competing demands of Defense, Administration, and Education. It meets to discuss matters of state in the capital city of Ottawa. The average income tax rate is 62.7%, and even higher for the wealthy.

The frighteningly efficient Schmidtvillean economy, worth 457 trillion Rubber Ducks a year, is broadly diversified and led by the Arms Manufacturing industry, with significant contributions from Information Technology, Beef-Based Agriculture, and Trout Farming. State-owned companies are common. Average income is an impressive 121,545 Rubber Ducks, and distributed extremely evenly, with little difference between the richest and poorest citizens.

Political visitors are forced to stop ten paces from Schmidt's throne, wanting a better life for your child is prohibited by a clause in the criminal code, pilots always remember to send their doctors a Maxxmas card, and gay couples who hold hands are forced into unbreakable bonds. Crime, especially youth-related, is totally unknown, thanks to a capable police force and progressive social policies in education and welfare. Schmidtville's national animal is the Grandmother, which is also the nation's favorite main course, and its national religion is Christianity.

Schmidtville is ranked 320,098^th in the world and 17,424^th in Balder for Highest Drug Use, scoring 7.53 on the Pineapple Fondness Rating.