The Cryptid of Red Finlandian Guard is a massive, efficient nation, ruled by Olaf Statosky with an iron fist, and notable for its state-planned economy, frequent executions, and pith helmet sales. The hard-nosed, cynical population of 4.587 billion Finlandians are ruled with an iron fist by the dictatorship government, which ensures that no-one outside the party gets too rich. In their personal lives, however, citizens are relatively unoppressed; it remains to be seen whether this is because the government genuinely cares about its people, or if it hasn't gotten around to stamping out civil rights yet.

The enormous government juggles the competing demands of Defense, Healthcare, and Education. It meets to discuss matters of state in the capital city of Almstedt. The average income tax rate is 74.7%, and even higher for the wealthy.

The very strong Finlandian economy, worth 380 trillion Markkaa a year, is driven entirely by a combination of government and state-owned industry, with private enterprise illegal. The industrial sector is led by the Arms Manufacturing industry, with significant contributions from Tourism, Information Technology, and Book Publishing. Average income is 82,887 Markkaa, and distributed extremely evenly, with little difference between the richest and poorest citizens.

All government communication requires the imprimatur of the Truth Police, the nation's museums are real penny-pinchers, the new foreign policy is "why bother invading neighbours when they can be bought wholesale?", and abortions are routinely performed in the nation's hospitals. Crime, especially youth-related, is totally unknown, thanks to a well-funded police force and progressive social policies in education and welfare. Red Finlandian Guard's national animal is the Brown Bear, which frolics freely in the nation's many lush forests, and its national religion is Atheism.

Red Finlandian Guard is ranked 109,376^th in the world and 91^st in Conch Kingdom for Largest Gambling Industry, scoring 1,455.83 on the Kelly Criterion Productivity Index.