Majestia

HAPPY CANADA DAY!!! 🇨🇦

Happy birthday, Majestia!

Hallo

Sometimes I often look back at these fond memories, it always felt so long ago that I would log onto my laptop and play NationStates. Chatting on Majestia, being myself. Yet I rarely ever chatted too much lorewise. I wasn't really that good socially, still amn't to this day. Ha. When Majestia was raided I had never felt so inexplicable in emotions, I hadn't of heard of raiding before in NationStates at that point, the times Majestia and Neomajestia were raided, I wasn't there. I had never felt so useless. I always get thoughts of that I could have done something to stop it, but really I think it's myself convincing myself to be strong in those times. Those times when I felt useless, I tried to convince myself that I had a use, yet I misunderstood it as taunts. Myself taunting myself. Now I try to stay as active as possible on MJT, not just to help others, but to help defend if it ever gets raided. Even if it impacts my sleep. Even if I become addicted to NationStates. I have to be there, because I wasn't there before. Because I didn't want to feel useless again. And now as that feeling subsides, I feel like I have found a home, I feel more experienced, that I have plans for what to do. That I don't feel useless, even though for the longest time I felt useless. That everything I said was either going to have kind replies, or replies that made me temporarily leave NationStates.

I at times feel useless, yeah, honestly, sometimes I feel burnt out nowadays, when you've been doing this crap for a while now, once you've been writing stories for a while, you feel bored of it all. I most of the time consider other people's works better than my own because in stories, the author always knows what's next in their story, yet if they read a story by another person, it feels fresh. I felt I had to better myself to standards I couldn't possibly reach. Always telling myself that I had to get better. But once you've reached the sky in scope, what's next? Once you reach the best you can reach, but tell yourself to get better, where can you go? The moment isn't forever, but sometimes it wakes me up to the truth that in my eyes, the eyes that will be most prominent in my life, I will never be better than someone like Simi, despite my stories being pretty good. I bet other people criticise their own work but love someone's like mine. I also feel sometimes that I can be quite narcissistic, yet also switch to being humble... I always want to see myself popular, I want to see what people are saying about me, yet I say that others have better dispatches than I do. I don't know what I am, I struggle with a lot of stuff sometimes, but when I turn on NS, and I expect to see many notices, many telegrams, I feel seen. Fueling my ego, yet never making me someone who's always a narcissist all the time. A narcissist would never admit they're a narcissist, yet I do. But I still have some traits...

Happy late third anniversary, Majestia.