The Protectorate of Decaf Coffee is a very large, environmentally stunning nation, remarkable for its compulsory military service, ubiquitous missile silos, and complete absence of social welfare. The quiet, industrious population of 273 million Decaf Coffees are fiercely patriotic and enjoy great social equality; they tend to view other, more capitalist countries as somewhat immoral and corrupt.

The medium-sized, socially-minded government prioritizes Defense, although Education, Law & Order, and Administration are also considered important, while International Aid and Welfare receive no funds. The average income tax rate is 44.2%, but much higher for the wealthy.

The Decaffeinated economy, worth 15.0 trillion sugarcubes a year, is fairly diversified and led by the Tourism industry, with major contributions from Arms Manufacturing, Beef-Based Agriculture, and Uranium Mining. State-owned companies are common. Average income is 54,769 sugarcubes, and distributed extremely evenly, with practically no difference between the richest and poorest citizens.

The government is well known for declaring war on other countries for suspected slights, thieves insist the wind blew that purse into their hands, Decaf Coffees submit requests for a date in writing with an enclosed RSVP card, and hunters have been known to lose limbs while attempting to 'play tag' with their prey. Crime, especially youth-related, is totally unknown, thanks to a capable police force and progressive social policies in education and welfare. Decaf Coffee's national animal is the weasel, which frolics freely in the nation's many lush forests.

Decaf Coffee is ranked 224,341^st in the world and 2,769^th in The East Pacific for Rudest Citizens, with 33.87 insults per minute.